4 Keys to Victorious Faith

4 Keys to Victorious Faith


Imagine what would happen if we lived victorious faith.

In place of tired and weary hamster-wheel Christianity, people would see Christ in us, in you, right? We’d have a spring in our step, a genuine smile on our fact. Vibrant, authentic, compassionate — these words would describe us.

This description fit one of my counselees too. I met with this 40-something West coast woman by video-conference, where she peered at me through chocolate-colored eyes and shared her heart for women in prison. She visited them, cried with them, brought them hope through her own sad story of brokenness.

God gave her grace to love “the least of these.” In response, she believed God and acted on her belief.  She lived out of victorious faith, and so can you and I.

Remember this faith definition:

Faith is choosing to act on your belief

no matter how you feel.

Remember these 4 key faith words!

Believe. Act. Choose. Know.

1. Believe.

Victorious faith is believing in the Word of God. Do you believe the Word–that is, the Bible–and all it says about God and about you? You are chosen, loved, forgiven, and a daughter of the most high God of love and holiness.

2. Act.

Victorious faith is acting upon your belief. One thing I share with my counselees is believing the Word can be tough sometimes, but acting on your belief is often tougher. Indeed, your actions show whether your belief is true.

Several summers ago, I drove six hours alone to a writer’s conference. So what? you may ask. When I zoomed my Honda on the highways, I acted in faith that God is with me even if I had a panic attack. If you’ve experience panic attacks, you know this terror, a terror I wish on no one. (I wrote a mini-book on it too: HELP! I Get Panic Attacks. You can order it here.)

I had been plagued by highway driving phobia since my late 20s. Now was the time to act on my belief. What belief do you struggle acting upon? What is one step you can take toward acting upon your belief? 

3. Choose.

Victorious faith is choosing to act on your belief no matter how you feel. Was I scared during my drive from my home to the conference? At times, yes. I felt tense and edgy and shaky every so often and especially when the traffic got heavy or I had to make highway changes.

Yet I chose to act of my belief in my fear.

I could have let my fear keep me home. And, sadly, many times I’ve made the choice to let my feeling rule me. When have you given into to your emotions? Which emotions tend to get the best of you? What can you do differently and honor God?

4. Know.

Victorious faith is knowing God promises a good result. What do people say about life and lemons? When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. God promises more than a refreshing beverage. He promises that faith in his Son Jesus brings everlasting life now to those who believe.

In fact all of his promises are wonderful. He promises provision and protection and peace as well as loving discipline, abundant life, and hope.

Savor this familiar scripture:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
    and do not lean on your own understanding.
 In all your ways acknowledge him,
    and he will make straight your paths. (Prov. 3:6-7)

Believe the Word of God and act on it, no matter how you feel, knowing God promises a good result.

Next Step to Victorious Faith

What helps you act on your belief that God is who he say he is and keeps promises? What gets in the way of your acting on your belief? May I encourage you swap faith stories with a trusted Christian girlfriend?

We all need encouragement. Be that person who loves like Jesus.

But sometimes we’re tired.

If you tired and weary, and you’d like counseling to reclaim joy and honor Jesus, please contact me. We can set up a complimentary counseling phone consult at your convenience. Click here to request a free consult.

Internet Porn: keeping your kids safe

Internet Porn: keeping your kids safe

Internet Porn: What You Need to Know to Keep Your Kids Safe

Hi friends, this is another PG-rated post on keeping your kids safe online. I cannot tell you the number of moms of all ages who’ve contacted me on keeping kids safe from internet porn. In fact, it’s as close as your kids’ cell phone. But you know this already, right?

You can read my post on cyberbullies on the Internet and on gaming consoles here. It tells the sad mad story of a cyberbully threatening to rape my teen son in my own home.

FACT: 93% of boys–and 62% of girls–have been exposed to Internet pornography before the age of 18. This means only 3% of boys and 17% of girls have never seen Internet porn. This statistic and some other material in this post comes from CovenantEyes.com

Even if you’ve put in place precautions to keep your kids safe, it isn’t enough to block all exposure to internet pornography. As you probably know, children and teens who’ve had frequent exposures to sexually explicit photos and videos are more likely to:

~ have multiple sexual partners.

~ develop an addictive habit of watching porn.

~ mimic behaviors seen in porn.

This Ain’t 1970 Pin-Up Girls!

Do you remember the famous swimsuit poster of Farrah Fawcett, dressed in a red one piece? Too sexy, right?

This picture is tame compared to the hundreds of millions of hard-core photos available online at the click of a button. CovenantEyes.com reports that scientists theorize that early exposure to Internet porn may interfere with healthy sexual development while a child’s brain is developing through the teen years.

Certainly, God who created us knows what’s best for us. Listen to what Jesus said:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:27,28)

and what Paul exhorted:

“You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Galatians 5:13-14)

What You Can Do

Safeguard your computer and mobile devices by using parental controls and with software that blocks porn sites. Remember, keep in mind that your child may still see porn on others’ computers, smart phones, and tablets.

Also, know that the multi-billion-dollar porn industry uses tactics to seduce otherwise unsuspecting teens. Innocent word searches can bring up pornographic sites with banner ads that show “teaser” images. So armed with this knowledge you can talk lovingly and intelligently to you child about what to do when such sites pop up:

First, teach your kids to not click links.

Second, set an atmosphere where your children  know that they can come to you and talk about sensitive subjects without fear.

Third, consider using a well-respected Internet accountability service like Covenant Eyes. Such services monitors Internet use and proves accountability reports to parents.

You Can Keep Your Kids Safe

You can keep your kids safe from Internet porn. Yes, porn images are everywhere on the Internet, and television too. It takes some work on your part to set up parental controls and to have difficult and uncomfortable conversations with your children, from 8 to 18.

But you can do it. And you can trust God to help them make wise choices and to repent when they make mistakes. You do NOT want them to become a statistic, like one of these:

13 percent of Web searches are for porn material.

About 55 percent of divorce cases involve either the husband or wife obsessively using porn websites.

Eight out of 10 unwanted exposures to Internet porn happens in the home.

Question: What are some ways you keep your children safe?

 

Dealing with the NEW four-letter word: FEAR

Dealing with the NEW four-letter word: FEAR

FEAR. It’s the new four-letter word. It began long, long before 9/11, school shootings, and the controversy over our current president. Flip through the first pages of the Bible, and see its ugliness from the Fall to today.

In this brief article, you’ll discover:

  1. Fear often has its start in childhood.
  2. There’s a biblical solution to fear.

Fear usually begins early.

When fear begins early, it often takes on one of two main forms. For women: fear of rejection and abandonment creeps  For men: the fear of failure.

worthless

For me, my fear of rejection goes back to my childhood. My mom was often sad and chain-smoked. And my dad was present physically but absent emotionally. And so, like many of my counselees, seeds of difficulty began sprouting early. We biblical counselors call these “sharing influences.” Yes, these shape our thoughts, emotions, and actions. However, they do not determine them.

My dad didn’t do anything horrible to me. He just didn’t notice me, really. And he never smiled. But I hoped to make him happy. In fact, I longed for his acceptance.

What about you? What triggered your fear of abandonment?

When we try to control fear, it’s likely we’ll feel discouraged.

We each have ways of handling fear, right? But our solutions usually backfire.

My well-meant but messed-up solution: control. I attepted to control my to try to control him by being the perfect little girl who never got in trouble and brought home excellent report cards and who did everything right.

I didn’t.

I couldn’t.

And I felt sad.

Only much later did I learn he suffer manic-depression. Still, my fear of abandonment lingered.

God provides a better way.

God wants you to experience success, according to His definition. That is, he wants you to become more like Christ. God has planned that those who love Him “be conformed to the likeness of His Son” (Romans 8:29). Since Jesus is in us, and we in Him, we have confidence that no matter what happens–a home foreclosure, a child’s bad report card, illness, even the death of a loved one–He is with us and helps us.

Please know that everyone struggles with fear. You are not alone. Learning to defeat fear requires a shift in focus. So rather than focus on self, love God and love people more than their approval.

So now what?

  1. Recognize God is sovereign over your fears. He knows your struggle and helps you. So look to Him.  Jesus lovingly commands, “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry. . .” (Matthew 6:33-34a).
  2. Choose to love people more than their approval. The apostle Paul wrote, “Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ” (Galatians 1:10).

Please remember that becoming more like Christ is a life-long process. Keep taking  one step then another.

AN OFFER: I meet with women nearly every day by Skype/FaceTime/Zoom and help them find godly solutions to the problems they face. If you’d like a complimentary phone consult to see if biblical counseling is a good fit for you, simply contact me. NO spam, promise. 

 

Dementia: Hope for the Caregiver

Dementia: Hope for the Caregiver

My in-laws are in their 80s and slowing down, but don’t have dementia. Maybe they’ll develop this memory cognitive disorder. Maybe they won’t. 

But I have had the opportunity of counseling folks whose loved ones have these life-stealing, memory-dimming cognitive disorder. And the church needs to be ready. Yesterday. My article appeared first here at The Biblical Counseling Coalition and is used with permission.

How is your church helping the caregivers of dementia sufferers?

When you hear the word dementia, what first pops into your mind? Old age? Alzheimer’s? Nursing homes? The high cost of care? No one likes to talk about dementia. Nobody wants to have dementia. Still, biblical counselors need to know about it because chances are they will counsel a person with dementia or, more likely, family members who provide care.

In brief, dementia is a cognitive disorder. The affected person’s thinking ability gradually deteriorates. It interferes with judgment and memory and also can create confusion, fear, and irritation.

There are several types of dementia. The best known is Alzheimer’s, which was experienced by former president Ronald Reagan.

Dementia Statistics

In 1900, people aged 65 or older made up 4 percent of the U.S. population. In 1980, this number nearly tripled to11 percent of the population. Do you know the estimate for the year 2030? 22 percent – almost a quarter of the population![1] And the “geriatric” slice of pie keeps growing.

Obviously, not every person aged 65 and older develops dementia (like my parents and in-laws). In fact, researchers found that just over 1 percent of those from 65 to 74 have this cognitive disorder. The percentage jumps to nearly 4 percent for ages 75 to 84 and rises to about 10 percent of folks over 85.

However, some researchers estimate that dementia of the Alzheimer’s type may affect nearly half of those at the older end of this spectrum.

Secular Understanding of Dementia

The secular term for dementia in the DSM-5 is “neurocognitive disorder” that progressively worsens. It is specified by severity. A person with a “mild” case needs help with some activities of daily living, such as housework. A person with a “moderate” case needs help with basics like dressing and eating. And a person with a “severe” case is fully dependent on others for almost everything.

Consider Hank. At age 66, he took a job as a greeter at a big box store. He was a retired accountant and a smart guy. When he started as a greeter, he memorized the locations of many of the items in the store so he could direct customers. But nearly a year into the job, his memory noticeably slipped. His solution? To write information in a small notebook to help him remember things. But then he began forgetting to shave and to get to work on time.

His daughter brought him to a doctor for an evaluation of his cognitive ability. Using the Medical Model, the doctor ordered tests including a blood workup and an MRI, and they ruled out illnesses and conditions other than what his daughter feared most: major neurocognitive disorder due to possible Alzheimer’s disease.

In the Medical Model, a doctor might prescribe an antidepressant for his mild depression and recommend ongoing care in a nursing home.

A Biblical Approach for Dementia

Like the secular Medical Model, the biblical approach has a standard definition of dementia: decreased mental capabilities such as memory loss, inability to think abstractly, impaired decision-making, and the inability to communicate normally. The biblical approach values the contributions of physicians and considers dementia a medical condition that should be managed by a physician.[2]

In addition, the biblical approach recognizes that people with dementia and their loved ones need counseling based on biblical truth. A biblical counselor is advised to take a personal interest in a counselee with dementia and visit frequently, be sensitive to spiritual needs, and encourage him or her from Scripture.

Many Christian families may choose to care for their loved one at home rather than send them to a nursing home, if possible. We see an application of this in 1 Timothy 2:3-16, a passage that focuses on the treatment of widows. The apostle Paul says that widows first need to provide for themselves or remarry. If this isn’t possible, then the family is to help.

Finally, if the family is unable to help, then the church would provide for her needs including proper housing, clothing, and food.

“Thank You”

In his book The Art of Aging, Dr. Howard Eyrich shares an account of how their family cared for his father in their home.[3] Diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease, he developed a negative attitude and everything needed to be done for him – dressing, eating, and eventually toileting. Much of this care was done by his daughter-in-law, who was “on call” nearly all day every day except for those times they arranged for someone to come in.

Eyrich fondly remembers an encouraging incident before his father’s death. His father told him, “Kid, I’d be in an awful fix if it weren’t for you. Thank you.” Then a blank stare returned to his eyes.

Tending Caregivers

The wise biblical counselor also pays attention to the caregiver(s), helping them choose to believe the Word of God and apply it to their lives, no matter how they feel in the trial of dementia. Part of this includes planning, preparation, and team meetings among the family members who are providing care. Where will the loved one with dementia live? Does someone need to quit employment to provide care? And so on.

Also, a biblical counselor would demonstrate love to the family by helping to ensure that the family’s church provides emotional support and also meets physical needs. One physical need that a family will have is time to take a break. Another need might be meals delivered to the home. Still, another is for someone to fill in for the caregiver so that he or she may attend church.

The caregiver(s) too need personal biblical counseling as they consider their own heart and responses to the trial of dementia. Emotions like anger, fear, and sadness are common. It’s important that the church’s response is organized and methodical. Otherwise, the family may be forgotten and neglected.

Just Because You Can, Doesn’t Mean You Should

One last note: The biblical approach recognizes that just because a family is willing to care for a loved one with dementia, this doesn’t mean the family should. As a biblical counselor helps family members work through these crucial questions, they may choose a suitable alternative. These might include adult daycare, hiring in-home care, or even a nursing home – all of which are costly.

Caring for a loved one with dementia doesn’t have to be a negative experience, although there will be negative experiences along the way. The Lord will enhance growth in Christlikeness as His children glorify God in thought and deed.

Questions for Reflection

Have you counseled caregivers of those experiencing dementia? How can you come alongside families like these to provide physical and emotional support?

[1] Howard Eyrich and Judy Dabler, The Art of Aging: A Christian Handbook (Bemidji, MN: Focus Publishing, 2006), 112. [2] Marshall Asher and Mary Asher, The Christian’s Guide to Psychological Terms, Second Edition (Bemidji, MN: Focus Publishing, 2014), 57. [3] Eyrich, The Art of Aging, 75.

When Moral Relativism Comes to Counseling

When Moral Relativism Comes to Counseling

Moral relativism — it defines topsy-turvy postmodern culture and is coming to a counseling room near you. How might a counselor think compassionately about such things? This article appeared first here at The Biblical Counseling Coalition.

Remember the blind men and the elephant? Six blind sojourners come across different parts of an elephant in their life journeys and each, in turn, creates his own version of reality based on his experience. One proclaims the elephant is a wall, another says it’s a snake, another a spear, and so forth.

This illustration is the poster child of moral relativism, which insists that “what’s right for me is my truth.” It asserts that personal truth is the highest form of truth. Moral relativism dominates our culture and has likely barged into your counseling office, as it has mine, noisily demanding that one must “live their truth.”

Moral Relativism Is Old News 

It reaches back to the Garden. The smooth-talking serpent questioned the Truth-giver’s truth—that Adam and Eve may eat from all the trees but one, or “you shall surely die” (Gen. 2:17)—and the first couple gobbled Satan’s lie.

Adam’s new not-true “truth” sent him running and hiding and blaming. “I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself” (Gen. 3:10). He hid because of the shame of his sin of disobedience. Then he compounded his lie in blaming the woman, who in turn blamed the serpent.

God hates lying. Proverbs 12:22 declares:

“Lying lips are an abomination to the LORD, but those who act faithfully are his delight.”

Its opposite is truth, of course. God determines the truth. Not me, not you, and not our counselees.

Moral Relativism in Modernity

Back in the ‘70s, I believed the lie of moral relativism packaged as a pro-choice argument. I admit this with great embarrassment. My friend Ellen was “with child,” thanks to her college boyfriend, a condom failure, and her belief that sex before marriage was “just fine, thank you.”

The good Catholic girl that I was, I thought abortion was wrong, and “I’d never get one,” but “if it’s right for you, then that’s your choice,” and thus I supported her decision. A mutual friend and I checked out the abortion clinic with the Better Business Bureau before she went because we cared about her.

And the baby? What baby? We all tried to forget. Moral relativism had won.

Now let’s zip to today and survey the cultural landscape: drag kids, transgenderism, an alphabet soup of gender “expressions” (whatever that means), pedophilia disguised as man-boy love, and of course abortion on demand through all the months of pregnancy. And when abortion “fails,” infanticide.

Moral Relativism in the Counseling Office

A little while back, the parents of a teen girl named “Kaylee” wanted me to talk with her about her older brother’s decision to transition to be “a female.” He had begun hormone therapy and was considering radical surgery to remove his genitalia. There was also talk of breast implants.

Equally confusing, my counselee’s brother was dating a bisexual. A man transitioning to a woman was dating a guy who admitted to liking men and women. Weird, right? Yet my counselee took it in stride. “She’s happier now,” Kaylee remarked, using the appropriate progressive pronoun. “She’s who she wants to be, who she’s meant to be.”

The parents professed Christianity as did Kaylee. The mom wasn’t outwardly upset over their son, but the dad seemed embarrassed and said so. Their concern now was making sure Kaylee was fine with their family’s new not-true truth while also admitting they walked a road where up is down and right is wrong.

Not surprisingly, when Kaylee and I read Scripture verses and discussed their meaning, she—like many counselees—was quick to say, “What this means to me is ….” That little prepositional phrase “to me” is a sign of our moral relativistic times and a bane to Bible study.

An Important Place to Reclaim Truth

As we open our Bibles and read Scripture, there may be no better place to reclaim truth in the counseling office than proper Bible study. Today’s prevailing cultural message to “live your truth” is demanding and noisy and a lie. It lures people, including Christians, to live whatever way feels right to them (Prov. 14:12).

But historical-grammatical Bible study provides a process to understand a text as God intended, protecting us from falling into error. Many excellent volumes have been written on how to study the Bible. I encourage you to ask your pastor or a spiritually mature Christian friend for recommendations. One of the many excellent resources is John MacArthur’s How to Study the Bible (Chicago: Moody, 2009).

Along these lines, let us start with three primary questions we can encourage our counselees to ask as they read a passage of Scripture:

  1. What does it say? (Not what does it say to me.)
  2. What does it mean? (Not what does it mean to me.)
  3. How should it change me? Here, the “me” is spot on and we might follow it up with these additional questions:
    1. What does this passage teach me about God?
    2. How does this aspect of God’s character change my view of self?
    3. What should I do in response?

Moral relativism is our culture’s precious grandchild now. It gets a pat on the head and sugar for supper. It demands its way like 2-year-old. And it barges into the counseling room. So how might you quiet it? Feed your counselee Truth.

Questions for Reflection

Which Bible study process helps your counselees have a correct understanding, interpretation, and application of Scripture?

Describe a time when you saw moral relativism play out in the counseling office, classroom, or church lobby. What was your response?

How are you guarding yourself and your family in today’s moral relativistic times?

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