Loneliness: Is there REALLY hope at Christmas?

Loneliness: Is there REALLY hope at Christmas?

When Christmas cheer brings on isolating loneliness, how can your survive, even thrive?

This short article shows that you really can find God in your loneliness at Christmas! And it’s NOT another tiresome to-do list!

Loneliness at Christmas, or any time of the year, unsettles us. It’s uncomfortable and unwanted. It may drive us to seek false comforts: TV, Facebook, sleep, food, booze, sex. It often turns us inward, compounding the lonely ache in our hearts.

Consider Lydia Brownback’s description of loneliness at Christmas.

“Looks like winter is here!” Brownback called to the mom next door as she and her neighbors cleared their cars and walkways.

“Indeed it is!” the neighbor responded. “And the timing of all this snow is perfect. After supper we’re going to make hot chocolate and decorate the Christmas tree. The kids are really excited.” Picturing her neighbor spending quality time with family sparked a deep sense of loneliness in Brownback. She had no one to share the festivities with, and it hurt, she shared in her book, Finding God in My Loneliness.[1]

The good news is that when we seek God as our true treasure, we find what we’ve been looking for all along: Him.

What Is Loneliness?

Loneliness is “an emotionally painful sense of not being connected to others. The lonely person may feel unwanted, isolated, and left out.”[2] It is a pain of disconnect. It is not social isolation, per se.

There are many people who love their alone time and do not feel lonely. Rather, it is the distress of what one has and what one wants, played out in the arena of social relationships. David Powlison pinpointed this disconnect: “Fear and desire are two sides of the same coin. A sinful fear is a craving for something not to happen… If I long to be loved, I’m terrified of rejection. If I fear pain or hardship, I crave comfort and pleasure.”[3]

Loneliness Is Common

Married or single, young or old, male or female, counselor or counselee–we all have suffered this empty feeling of disconnectedness at some point. For some of us, it’s chronic and unrelenting. Loneliness may affect three out of four Americans, a 2018 survey revealsAnd it’s bad for our health, social scientists claim.

Connecting through social media doesn’t help. In fact, it may worsen it. It appears that many people are substituting online connections for in-person connections.

What Does Loneliness Reveal?

The reason we feel lonely is God created us for community with Him and others. He fills the lonely ache in our heart.

Loneliness began in the Garden long ago when the first couple rebelled against God and looked for fulfillment apart from Him. Their sinful declaration of independence separated them from God and one another. It brought Adam and Eve fear, shame, guilt, and loneliness.

The good news is that God had a plan from the beginning to restore man to a personal relationship with Him. Indeed, God made us with the capacity for loneliness to point us to Him, and we find what our hearts desire only in Him.

“And in Him you have been made complete, and He is the head over all rule and authority” (Col. 2:10).

Man’s False Solutions

The earthly solutions for loneliness fail to bring real and lasting change. Among them are:

  • baking another batch of holiday cookies
  • jamming the calendar with activities
  • scrolling Facebook and Instagram
  • binging on Hallmark Christmas movies

When we choose our own solutions over God’s, our loneliness deepens. In contrast, God’s solutions for loneliness draw us to Him and others.

God’s True Solution

We were created for a deep, personal relationship with God that cannot be satisfied through work, hobbies, marriage, or anything else. Keeping our eyes focused on Jesus and serving others solves our loneliness problem. We must resist focusing inward when we feel disconnected.

To get to the root, the lonely person might seek the answers to these two questions:

  • Who am I focusing on?
  • What am I living for?

There are two choices: God or self. Matthew 10:39 clarifies our need for God’s remedy. It reads, “Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”

With this in mind, we find God in our loneliness. We can admit that when we turn to our own solutions for loneliness, we are looking to self for completion. In addition, we can choose to seek to treasure Him above all.

Keep Doing These 4 Things 

1. Spend time in the Word daily helps us know Him.

2. Prayer.

3. Attend a Bible-believing church allows us to hear the gospel preached and to know and serve other believers.

4. Intentionally serve others in our families and neighborhoods through volunteering. And volunteering need not be formal; simply listening deeply is a gift.

Most of all, we recognize that our loneliness is pointing us to God. So, during the holidays, when loneliness may become particularly painful, resist turning inward. Rather, let this unwanted feeling help you realize something’s missing. That something is found in Jesus alone.

Those who belong to Jesus are never truly alone. He has the remedy for loneliness at Christmas and all year long.

[1] Lydia Brownback, Finding God in My Loneliness, (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2017), 13.

[2] Mary Somerville, “Coping with Loneliness,” National Association of Nouthetic Counselors, Annual Conference, 2005, mp3.

[3] David Powlison, “Dynamics of Biblical Change,” class notes, Christian Education and Educational Foundation (CCEF), 2002. Quoted in Lydia Brownback, Finding God in My Loneliness, (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2017), 25.

This article appeared first here at The Biblical Counseling Coalition. Minor edits for space.

Are You Telling Yourself the Truth?

Are You Telling Yourself the Truth?

Are you telling the truth? This question invites us to consider the validity of our thoughts and to replace the lies we silently tell ourselves with life-giving truth.

Have you noticed this phenomenon and do you believe the lies you tell yourself? Such as:

“I’m not good enough.”

“Ugly. . .that’s me.”

“Idiot, idiot, idiot.”

“No one cares.”

“You’ll never change.”

Sound familiar? We women bash ourselves, don’t we? You. Me. Everyone. An article in The Atlantic estimates that we say thousands upon thousands of words and phrases to ourselves each day. And often what we say about ourselves isn’t true.

Why do we do this? And how can we stop?

The Reason We Lie

Verbal-bashing began long ago. You may recall the story of Adam and Eve in the Bible. All was perfect in the garden until Satan in the form of a serpent slithered on the scene and spoke a lie to Eve, and she believed him. His lie:

You shall not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of it [a tree that God had said was off-limits] your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil. Genesis 3:4-5

She believed her enemy, chopped the fruit, and died. Not immediately, but eventually. And she doubted God’s goodness. Shame filled her. Then she and Adam sewed fig leaves to cover up.

When I lie to myself, I am believing my enemy. You too.

A lie I used to tell myself A LOT: “You’re defective, Lucy.” Thankfully, I finally listened to God while in a pit of despair and agreed with him that I am precious. I am precious because he says so.

Begin Speaking Truth

What lies do you tell yourself about yourself? Would you like to replace the lies with the truth about you. And this truth is beautiful, sweet sister.

So here’s how to start telling yourself the truth. These two steps are simple to remember. This is the good part. But if you have a habit pattern of repeating lies to yourself, then you’ll need to have an action plan and enact it.

1. Recognize the lies you say to yourself.

2. Replace the lies with the truth.

In my example of “You’re defective, Lucy,” I replaced this lie with the truth, “God says you’re precious … because you’re his child.” Every time I spoke the “you’re defective” lie to my soul, I then spoke the truth. Over time I caught my lie more and more quickly, and replaced it ASAP. Soon I very rarely said this lie to myself.

So speak the truth about youself. And keep on identifying more lies and replace them with truth. Soon you’ll notice you’ll speak truth in love to yourself and to the people God has put in your path. Your family, your friends, the dog sitter, the Walmart cashier, a stranger.

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
    be acceptable in your sight,
    Lord, my rock and my redeemer. Psalm 19:14

COUNSELING BY SKYPE/FACETIME

Lucy has Skype-counseled women and families throughout the United States and the world, including China, Germany, the UK, Sweden, Paraguay, and Australia. Read more about biblical counseling in general as well as important information on Skype/Facetime counseling.

Counseling Hearts to Hope,

Broken Is Better — Here’s Why

Broken Is Better — Here’s Why

Broken is better.

Guest blogger Suzanne Holland — see her page HERE on Heart2Heart Counseling Directory — brings home the truth that your reponse to life’s problems is what matters. And a biblically healthy response is what ultimately brings glory to God. Her article appeared first here and is used with permission. –LAM

In This Life, You Will Have Trouble

Life is full of pain and suffering. In a world of uncertainty, there is only one sure thing: You will have trouble.

Yet man is born to trouble
    as surely as sparks fly upward. (Job 5:7).

The only thing that is optional is your response to that trouble. So you have many choices when it comes to how you respond emotionally to pain and suffering in your life. Now I’d like to talk about a few of those, some or all of which you may have chosen in your time of trial. Then I’d like to share a choice that is always better.

Respond with Fear

First, you can respond to your pain with fear. If you have a chronic or debilitating illness, you may be fearful of a new or worsening pain or symptom. And you may begin to wonder what you will do if it continues to get worse.

How will you cope? Who will take care of you? What will you do when you can’t do what you need to do? Fear of increased pain gangs up with panic about the future. Pretty soon, you have bullied yourself into a fear response. This fear drives you more into yourself, and away from God. (For Help for Fear, contact Lucy. She’s been there and tossed the T-shirt.)

broken

Respond in Anger

Or, you may choose to respond in anger, telling yourself that you don’t deserve this, and that it’s not fair.

This response seems more powerful than fear. Instead of cowering in a trembling heap, you shake your fist at your condition, your doctor, or maybe even at God. This anger gives you a false sense of empowerment from within, and causes you to think that you don’t need God’s power. But this puts distance between you and your great High Priest.

Respond with Despair

A third response that is common among suffering believers is despair. Maybe you’ve been knocked down many times, but have managed, by the grace of God, to get back up again. Now, after many TKOs, you have given up. You just don’t have the fight in you anymore.

Somewhere along the way, you started looking to your own strength for the next round. But now that strength is spent. You can’t get up again, and you really don’t even want to. You are done.

Risk Bitterness

All of these responses can lead us to one very dangerous place: Bitterness. A person who is bitter has probably been through all three of these responses, and possibly several others, before arriving at bitterness. When these fleshly attitudes go unchecked, they inevitably lead us to a place where we have little or no faith in God, and we really don’t care.

We are disappointed, angry, and without hope. We nurture and feed grudges against those who have harmed us, and we curse God, and anyone else, who has denied us what we believe we are entitled to. This is bitterness.

According to Isaiah 43:7, we were created for God’s glory.

…everyone who is called by my name,
whom I created for my glory,
whom I formed and made.

If this paragraph describes you, ask yourself, “How does my bitterness glorify God?” If you’re honest, you will have to confess that your bitterness does not, and could never, bring glory to God. In fact, if bitterness persists, and you are just fine with it, you might want to examine whether or not you are even a believer.

A Better Alternative

However, there is another alternative. Rather than becoming bitter, we can confess and embrace the fact that we are broken. Our body is broken. Our heart is broken. We have no strength or power left to fight what God is doing through our trial.

We must submit to His will for us, surrendering our desire to control our situation. So we must hand over our pain, our suffering, our fear, anger, and despair to Him.

He alone is able to handle them. He loves us, and desires to make us more like Him. And he wants to use this pain to bring us into His arms. He wants to take our heavy burden of fear, anger, and despair, and exchange it for His light, easy one.

Plea for Understanding

Dear sister in Christ, you are weak. If you have convinced yourself otherwise, you are deceived. (Jeremiah 17:9). I know you may not like to hear that you’re weak and broken, but please believe me when I say that this is a good thing!

Hear the words of the apostle Paul, who suffered so many things for the sake of the Gospel:

Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong (2 Corinthians 12:10).

This statement follows Paul’s description of his pleading with the Lord to remove the thorn in his flesh. God’s answer?

My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

Do you want God’s perfect strength in your battle against pain and the heartache that comes with it? Do you believe that God’s grace is sufficient for you?

Then embrace your weakness, and give up your fear, anger, despair, and bitterness.

God has given you your weakness as a gift, to help you bring glory to His great name and to make you more like His precious Son! Give in to fear, anger, and despair, and you will be bullied, powerless, and hopeless. Once you get there, you are standing at the doorstep of bitterness.

Turn from these things, my friend, and be broken. Broken is better.

Counseling Hearts to Hope,

Self-Injury Among Teens: Yes, There’s Hope!

Self-Injury Among Teens: Yes, There’s Hope!


Self-Injury among teens (or anyone) doesn’t make sense, right?
But for someone who self-harms, the act of cutting or burning (as well as other forms of mutilation) reduces emotional distress. And it has a root cause. This article by Julie Ganschow, who is listed on Heart2Heart Counselor Directory, first appeared here on The Biblical Counseling Coalition website and is used with permission.

Rebekka, 15, wore a hat, long sleeves, and jeans to our first counseling session. Not so unusual for a teen, except it was a hot August afternoon and the temperature outside was 101 degrees.

As I got to know Rebekka, I learned she was sent to see me because she was self-harming. She had no eyelashes or eyebrows, and her hat concealed large bald spots where she had pulled out her hair. I eventually saw the dozens of scars on her arms and up and down the length of her legs, where she had repeatedly cut herself and picked off the scabs. She also bore numerous burn marks from cigarettes and lighters.

Cutting and burning are the most common forms of self-injury among teens who we see in our counseling center.

Why Do Teens Self-Injure?

The teenage years (when self-injurious behaviors commonly begin) can be traumatic times. This can be especially in our culture, where children are presented with decisions and choices they are not mature enough to handle.

Our teens have greater pressures than at any time in history. College preparation now begins in eighth grade for many students, as they have to make choices about Advanced Placement classes. Many high school students work 20 or more hours per week to save for college. This is in addition to at­tending classes and doing AP homework.

At school, teens receive mixed messages about relationships and sexual orientation. Sexual behaviors are taught in graphic detail and promoted in the popular media. Our children are pressured to be sexually active long before they are emotionally and physically ready. They are thrust into many situa­tions they are not ready to deal with! Some deal with the heartache of a broken home, spend­ing alternate weekends with each parent, and the pressure that comes from being in the middle of divorce.

These are only the “normal” stresses and do not cover the extreme cases, such as sexual abuse by a parent or step parent; drug or alcohol use in the home by par­ents; out-of -control siblings who raise tension in the home; same-sex unions, sexually transmitted diseases or abortion.

Many children and teens come to believe there is little they can count on and nothing that is stable. Who can they talk to besides each other? Who can they really trust? All these factors feed into the world of self-injury among teens, and it becomes their method of dealing with indescribable pain and loneliness.

Like other self-injurers, Rebekka reported that she felt empty inside, stressed, and unable to express her feelings. She struggled to tell me she was lonely, not understood by others and fearful of intimate relationships and adult responsibilities. Self-injury was her way to cope with or relieve painful or hard-to-express feelings.

What Can I Do to Help?

There is no quick fix, no systematic formula to follow in stopping self-injury among teens. I encourage parents to follow biblical principles rather than going the route of psychotherapy and secular coun­seling. Secular reasoning is contrary to biblical methodology. The self-injurer doesn’t have an illness that can be medically diagnosed. Rather, she has is a faulty coping mechanism that has become a sinful habit.

Whenever possible, I involve the parents in the counseling process. We teach the parents how to disciple their child through this turbulent time in life. God entrusted Mom and Dad to care for their child and I am there to support them in teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training their child in righteousness (2 Timothy 3:16).

The biblical perspective on self-injury among teens is that it is primarily a heart issue (Matthew 15:11; Matthew 15:17-20; Luke 6:43). Like other self-injurers, Rebekka had an overall focus on herself: her pain, loss, feelings, her wants, and her de­sires.

She learned to examine her heart in light of Scripture (Jeremiah 17:9). The Bible reminds us that per­manent change requires a change of heart brought about by a renewal of the mind (Romans 12:2). We had to identify the root cause of her behavior so true healing could take place.

Run to God with the Pain

I encouraged Rebekka to go to God in prayer and lay down the burdens of her heart.

The LORD hears the needy and does not despise his captive peo­ple (Psalm 69:33).

Directing Rebekka to the Psalms brought comfort and insight about crying out to God in distress. She was reminded that God cares about her, and the weight of guilt, shame, failure, anger, and rejection she carries. Also she was greatly comforted in realizing the Lord Jesus Christ was intimately acquainted with every sorrow and pain she had.

The Psalmist wrote,

Turn Yourself to me, and have mercy on me, For I am desolate and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have enlarged; Bring me out of my distresses! Look on my affliction and my pain, And forgive all my sins (Psalm 25:16-18, NKJV).

In biblical counseling, Rebekka learned the necessity of repentance. She learned about the sovereignty of God, people pleasing, and how to deal biblically with anger, hurt, and bitterness. As her mind was renewed, she began to under­stand the role idolatry played in her behaviors. She realized how worshipping her idols only led to guilt, shame, and deception and that, in reality, self-injury didn’t help with her pain after all.

Initially she experienced many failures and would still revert to cutting or burning herself, but Rebekka persevered in righteousness. She was determined to glorify God and worked very hard to stay in the Word, put the behavior off, renew her mind, and put on the new self (Ephesians 4:22-24).

She made life application of what she was learning and denied her fleshly desires. Six months later, she had eyebrows, eyelashes, and the bald spots on her head were covered with hair. The real triumph came when she gave her parents her “treasure box” of razor blades and burning materials.

Today, Rebekka is free.

So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free (John 8:36, NLT).

Join the Conversation!

Do you believe the Word of God is enough to address even the “hard cases” in counseling?

Counseling Hearts to Hope,

 

Powerful Promises from 1 Corinthians 10:13

powerful promisesPowerful Promises: When hardships happen — and they will — God provides a pathway for you to endure them and escape temptation to sin.

Let me share several powerful promises in 1 Corinthians 10:13. I pray it helps you gain 4 insights:

  1. Hardships are unavoidable.
  2. You are not alone.
  3. God is faithful.
  4. You have a way out. 

Here’s the verse penned by the apostle Paul:

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

Now let’s see these powerful promises.

Harships Happen

Right off, you can see that you will face hardships and temptation in this life. This is unnerving, isn’t it? And it’s a powerful promise no one likes! The term translated “temptation” in New Testament Greek carries the sense of temptation to sin or of trial to test and strengthen your faith.

The hardships in your life are tests from God and temptations from the evil one.

For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:10

Yes, you can count on hardships. Read 2 Corinthians 12:5-10. But what’s most important is how you handle them.

You Are Not Alone

Others have faced temptations and trials too. Throughout the bible you can read stories of those who’ve been rejected, harmed, abused, or tormented, and so on. Some have hungered. Others thirsted. Still others wanted to die.

Romans 15:4 provides encouagement:

For whatever was written in former days was written for our instruction, that through endurance and through the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.

There truly is a purpose in your pain. Others have walked the path you’re on now; foremost, Jesus himself.

God Is Faithful

“God is faithful” — these are my favorite three words in 1 Corinthians 10:13. I am reminded, and remind my counselees, that God is caring and mighty and perfect. Nothing surprises him. He is with you in your hardship whether it is dealing with panic attacks or enduring depression or a difficult marriage.

But get this: How you handle your hardship is critical. When you handle your problems as God instructs, you’ll not only survive, you’ll be better off because of them.

I am reminded of my temptation to wallow in self-absorbed jealousy when life doesn’t go my way but she (whomever “she” is) has the perfect life (or at least how it looks on Facebook!). While this tempation dogs me from time to time, God has faithfully showed me his way. Now every time my thoughts begin to trip me in  the comparison trap, I remind myself that I am already amazingly blessed and that I have everything I need in Christ. Having this action plan to take my eyes off myself and onto Jesus, I think of his powerful promises.

You Have an Escape

Among his powerful promises is “a way out.” But a way out from what? From the hardship? No. Another biblical counselor reminded me that God’s powerful promise is a “way out” of a sinful response to temptation. It is not a way out of the hardship.

God provides a pathway to escape sin in the midst of hardships and trials and temptations.

Real quick, let’s move to verse 14: “Therefore, my dear friends, flee from idolatry.” This “therefore” connects the verses 13 and 14.

So God’s powerful promises provide a pathway for you to endure hardship and escape sin. Yes, hardships happen. But you are not alone. God is faithful and he provides a “way out.” As you choose to believe these powerful promises, you’ll draw near to Jesus and continue to seek his answers.

Counseling Hope to Your Heart,

 

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