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TODAY Is Mother’s Day

By on May 17, 2013 in emotions, family, Mama Needs a Break

. . .and you thought it passed.

Sure, the flowers are wilted, the chocolate savored, and Starbucks’ cards — thank you,  family – slipped in wallet for a must-have-caffeine kinda day. And. . .

laundry piles. Dishes overflow sink. Dust bunnies waltz.

Kids drop shoes IN THE MIDDLE OF ROOMS, where people walk and trip and roll eyes.

Doesn’t this sound like grumbling, these bye-gone chocolates and laundry piles: John 6:43?

It Could Be Worse!

Rather than an inconvenience of skirting shoes, couldn’t I — like many of you — be living tough stuff now? Look at the graphic up top. Click it to see it up close. I pinned it to Pinterest and others re-pinned. Facebook friends shared it. Last time I looked way over a thousand saw and liked and “got it.” Motherhood is not for sissies.

Infertility. Depression. Anxiety. Rebellious kids. Babies with special needs. Addictions. Abortion.

This is tough stuff that often is not discussed in church. Or when it is, the moms (or wannabe moms) and hurting people in general sometimes receive no comfort and sometimes condemnation.

One Southern woman I counseled by Skype had confided in a female leader at her church a little about her life. This leader later called her a liar.  The woman told me she did lie then lied about lying; there is so so so much more to the story than that. So much more. Why couldn’t this leader show compassion like Jesus rained on the woman at the well (John 4:4-26)?

Do you need a compassionate listener? When someone in the church offended you, how did you respond? Did you lean toward God or away?

It Can Be Better

Mom, you can live a better life of hope and joy. This is God’s will for you too. Difficult times come. Yet you can learn how to handle them from a Gospel viewpoint. The Gospel is the Person and work of Jesus Christ.

Here’s one example. As circumstances — “my husband looks at internet porn” – evoke a response — “I give him the silent treatment” — you may have messy thoughts — “when he looks at naked women, I get angry” — which reveal your motives: the idol of fear.

This sounds bad and it is, for idol worship is sinful, but good news abounds.

  • If your church offers biblical counseling, make an appointment.
  • If you’re in a healthy, caring small group, share your struggles confidentially.
  • If you are no longer in a church or sense there isn’t a safe place to share at your church, may I pray for you and ask you to consider contacting me? As you may know, I am a certified biblical counselor through the Association of Biblical Counselors and a graduate of Western Seminary, Portland, OR, in Pastoral Care to Women, and this is the cool thing:

I counsel women from all over the world using Skype. You see me and I see you, from the convenience of your home.

You can find hope that leads to joy. God is good. Got questions? Drop me a note.

P.S. During the next several weeks I’ll update and post my readers’ favorite posts. I’ll have a surprise for you in July when I unveil my new website with new, highly practical resources for you .

Blessings of Hope!

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Mama Needs More Time!

By on May 9, 2013 in emotions, family, Mama Needs a Break

When I asked a few hundred women to name their top mama need, MORE TIME ALONE stood tall among the favorite three.

The other two are a support system of family and friends and encouragement.

Psst: If yours isn’t listed, please send me a contact message and I’ll address yours in a blog post or give you an answer by email.  :-)

Also please leave a comment! Comments give encouragement to me and others. :-)

Scroll to the very, very, very bottom of this post and type your comment. Thanks!

Do you hear yourself in this women’s plea?

I long for quiet, time to read, to do crafts or write, to just BE STILL. I think the biggest thing for me, based on what I felt I missed growing up, is that I need to balance being there for them and being able to say, ‘Mama needs a break’ and not feel guilty about it. I adore my husband and son, but a bathroom break or a bath or a book for an hour would be bliss!

Today let’s look at the whys and the hows of alone time. Ready? I am. . .’cause this mama needs a break!

Time Alone Then

When my daughter, Laura, was a baby, I craved a Saturday morning escape. My getaway? An outdoor mall with the best bagels this side of heaven. Just me, a book, and bagel bliss. How I loved the quiet, the lack of responsibility, the freedom. And the bagels. Did I mention the bagels?

When she was a toddler, I sometimes went to the bathroom to sit on the toilet when I didn’t need to “go.”

Once in a while she played with a toy in her crib. Usually she cried. I felt an inch tall. Bad mama, bad mama, I’d tell myself.

Was I bad or worn out?

When Laura reached preschool age, I sometimes slid a “Barney” video into the DVD player. While she sang along, I disappeared into a book and felt like a worm. At least we’re in the same room even if we’re unconnected, I’d rationalize.

Do you feel guilty when you take time for yourself?

Are you even able to get alone? Some moms can’t get alone. Many single moms, moms with husbands deployed overseas, and moms with next-to-no money. Are you in this situation? It’s tough; hold on to hope. You need creativity and prayer.

Time Alone Now

The kids grow and off to school they go. As you know, this does NOT mean more time alone.

Life is busy with school and sports activities, church events, and work. It’s a struggle, this mama life, and all and you may seem that you’re running in place going nowhere. Always running, never catching up.

Did you know that how you spend your days is how you spend your life?

Since each day has 24 hours, not a minute more or less, you need to spend your time wisely. Listen:

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build. (Ecclesiastes 3:1-3, NIV)

An Amazing, Little Assignment

Since time is a precious commodity, discover how you spend yours. Prioritization is the key. Spend your time on activities that are fun and meaningful and soon you’ll have gained hours.

First know how you spend your time and identify your priorities.

1. For one to three days, keep track of how you spend your time. Use 30-minute increments. Just jot it and be honest.

2. Now write down your priorities. One of your priorities is time alone. Perhaps other priorities include cooking nutritious meals, cuddling your spouse, exercising, and volunteering. Write down three to eight priorities in order of importance.

3. Consider your time schedule in light of your priorities. Does your schedule reflect your priorities? Once you identify a mismatch, you can choose to change how you spend your time and live in light of what’s most important.

What is one area you sense God wants you to change? Less TV or online? More time playing at the park with your kids. Write down one change you’ll make and place it where you’ll see it.

Blessings and Hope!

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Mama Needs a Time Out

By on May 7, 2013 in healing resources, Mama Needs a Break

I asked a few hundred women in a Facebook group this Q: What is your top mama need?

Three kept popping up:  A support system of family and friends, time alone, and encouragement.

Psst: If yours isn’t listed, please send me a contact message and I’ll address yours in a blog post or give you an answer by email.  :-)

Also please leave a comment! Comments give encouragement to me and others. :-)

Scroll to the very, very, very bottom of this post and type your comment. Thanks!  

Today let’s look at the whys and the hows of taking a timeout. Ready? I am. . .’cause this mama needs a break!

What a Time Out Is NOT

When a mama takes a time out, she is not beating herself up.

I need to do more. I’m a bad mom. The laundry’s flowing over baskets. Err, this counter is sticky, this floor is stick, I’m sticky. I suck.

In your time out you do NOT start planning. Hey, if I’m taking a time out, I might as well get busy planning my day, my week, my month, my life. NO! Do NOT go here.

You do NOT rehearse “what if’s.” What if I were thinner or toner or smarter or organized?

 Do you beat yourself up sometimes, thinking you should do more or do different? Isn’t this a recipe for anxiety? 

What a Time Out Is!

A time out is a time to rest. Sure, take a nap if you need one. But here I am focusing on resting the mind, bathing the Spirit in Jesus’ invitation. You know it, don’t you?

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. Matthew 11:28-29

These are power words, this time out invitation. Disconnecting with worry and busyiness. Connect with the One who loves you best. Amen.

Among the women I counsel biblically, I register not only a lack of soul rest but also iffy self care. Easy to remedy self care. Here are the three most important:

1. Drink water, about 6 to 8 8-ounces a day. Water has many healing properties. I’ll write a post soon on the spiritual and emotional healing properties of water. Incidentally, soda pop is not water.

2. Get enough sleep, about 7 to 10 hours daily. Set a time to get ready for bed and a time to wake up. Again, there are spiritual and emotional health benefits to sleep.

3. Move. You don’t have to join a gym or sign up for Zumba. Just move. Walks are perfect. Stretch. Breath deep from the belly.

What’s Next

When you read a post suggesting change, you make feel overwhelmed. Change is hard. You may feel defeated or think, “I tried that before and I quit after three days, so why bother?”

Why bother?

Take a time out to refresh and regroup because you matter, you are valuable, you are significant. Your children (toddlers or married adults) are watching how you take care of yourself and spend your time. God rested, didn’t he?

Take a time out and rest in Jesus. Go to him. He’s waiting. Find rest for your soul.

Coming up in the “Mama Needs a Break” series: Your Next Big Thing!

photo credit: Myxi via photopin cc

Blessings and Hope!

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Top 3 Needs of Moms

By on May 2, 2013 in emotions, faith, family, Mama Needs a Break

What’s among your top needs as a mother? 

Me? The three listed below. . .just like the few hundred women I queried in a Facebook group run by Jo Ann Fore.

The top three mama needs are:

1. A support system of family and/or friends.

2. Time alone.

3. Encouragement.

(Psst: If yours isn’t listed, please send me a contact message and I’d love to add yours.)

Also, leave a comment to encourage others! Scroll to the very, very, very bottom of this post to leave a comment. Thanks!  

Today let’s look at the whys and the hows of a support system of family and/or friends. Ready? I am. . .’cause this mama needs a break!

Family: I Need a Mother Too

Do you remember this 1970′s TV show “The Waltons“? Watching reruns warmed my toes many an afternoon. Ma and Pa would have a problem on the farm, and the family and neighbors would stick together to solve it. The bonded in tough times. Grandma had a sour personality too, but she cared, really cared. You could tell.

I wanted them to take me in.

John Boy was kinda cute in a geeky way. Me and Mary Ellen–we could have been best friends.

Back then, in my grade school years, I ached for the sense of belonging a big family brings. A big family, caring neighbors, and a church that loves like Jesus. A network of caring people who notice your need, who help, who listen, who pray, who let you be you and accept you .

This is what moms like you want too. Today. Now. Last week?

You get this, this ache? Don’t you feel it?

Neighbors: Where Are You?

Pulling my Honda into my driveway, I click the remote to open the garage door, turn off the engine, another click, and I’m inside. No “hello” to my neighbors. Confession: I don’t know them well. Names, yes. Personal lives, nah.

We (me?) hide on decks

behind walls

in cars

and at work places.

In the “old” days when my kids were little, we moms joined play groups and cheered each others’ kids in soccer at Little League. We actually conversed. Surface stuff. Never soul deep. I miss soul deep. Heart-to-heart conversations are me. I never did learn how to “girl talk” and couldn’t sing the words to the latest songs either.

Church: Got Real Friends Here?

Some local churches are amazing places of help and hospitality. Others? Not so much.

When my family moved to a new home in a new small city away from family and friends, I put a plan in action. Join a friendly church and — presto! – embrace a new, big family.

My plan bust like an overly inflated balloon. Once we settled into our new church, our friendly “friends” turned back to their own tight circles of longtime buddies. A bait and switch–this is how it felt to me. Were my expectations too high? Or unrealistic? Probably.

My kids were 8 and 2 then. I just wanted a place of belonging.

Have you looked to a church or other group as your support system because you lacked family and friends? How did it go for you? How does the Lord figure in? Could you be at home at a church where you were close to Jesus yet not so close to the people?

Making Mama-Friendly Connections

The women I queried shared a bunch of ideas on creating a support system when family and friends. Here are some. Add yours in comments. To share is to encourages.

Friends to Listen 

  • One mom experienced postpartum depression and thought it was grief. “I was far away from my family and support system, and one of my best friends had died only six months earlier. Too many life changes in too short a time.” No one was near to help her make sense of her hopelessness.
  • “To be heard” is a single mom’s top need.

Babysitter!

  • One mom had to return to work when her baby was a newborn. “A reliable babysitter who was prompt, a woman who truly loved children and was extremely dependable.”
  • Another woman with four small children says she needs “a friggin’ baby sitter during the day so that I can go get things done without kids, or so if one child has an appointment, I don’t have to lug all of them with me.”
  • “Before I had my boys, we lived in a neighborhood where the mothers would trade time, watching each others kids, so they could have some time to do something else. Kind of a babysitting co-op. I think for every hour you put in, you got one back.”

A Mentor

  • When family is far away, having an older woman helps. Her wisdom, her laughter, her presence. Also mentors for kids! “One of my top needs or desires while they were younger (and even now) was/is for older mentors or adults to be in their and our lives. They have no grandparents, no uncles, aunties or cousins and at times I would just love someone to encourage and give advice and just be proud of our children like we are. I can only imagine what it might be like to ring my parents up and say help or come to this show to watch the kids! I guess I’m saying mentors or adopted aunties or uncles would be a dream come true.”
  • Shares a mom who husband travels a lot: “My youngest (has) ADHD. A male mentor could of helped him in his social maturity and awkwardness.”

Friends, we’ll see how to make forge a strong support system in an upcoming “Mama Needs a Break” post. Please sign up by RSS or email to get the latest. Watch for them on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Blessings and Hope!

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So Are You a Winner?

By on April 30, 2013 in book review, faith, healing resources

Crazy, book-loving me. I ran three back-to-back book giveaways in mid April.

Many entries–thank you thank you thank you–and five winners.

In a sec, I’ll announce the book giveaway winners. First. . .

A Redefinition

Lots of folks on Facebook and Twitter and People magazine and “The Voice” (and, sadly, too many in the church)–they define winning as a boatload of connections, and “likes,” and prestige and power and pretty-ful.

But God, oh God, you redefine winning. Winning is belief. Do you have belief in Jesus?

Then you are a winner. Do you know this, sweet warrior?

Rahab the Harlot

A prostitute in Jericho hid spies under flax on rooftop. Brave, this woman, this harlot. Brave, this believer in the one true God. A scarlet cord danging from her window saved her life when the Jericho walls fell in.

Do you think God can love sex-tainted women? Or women with a past, whatever the past? Abortion. Addiction. Adultery.

Don’t you know God is bigger than your sin, than you and the mistakes you’ve made?

The Rejected Samaritan Woman

Many times married and living with a guy, this woman was an outcast among outcasts. Fetching water midday, scorching sun high, she met Jesus at Jacob’s well and became an evangelist. This Jesus, he spoke truth, he showed compassion, and she was changed. A new creation, embraced by God Most High. She told the townsfolk who had shunned her.

Do you know the sting of rejection, of abandonment? I know you do. Remember middle school? The insecurity?

I do.

Thank God I grew past that pain. I now know who I really am in Christ: accepted, forgiven, blessed, God’s child. Amen.

You Win!

When you, sweet sister in Christ, know your true identity, you win. . .peace now. . .contentment now. Sure, you still make bad choices and bad thing will upend you. Whose immune? Yet you know you can step toward our God loves you. . .

more than wildflowers

and sparrows

even angels

because He Is Love. 

And the Oscar Books Go Too. . .

As I said up top, I went crazy and had three book giveaways. The recipients were selected randomly and old-fashioned; Slips of paper with scribbled names, folded and piled, eyes closed, fingers finding.

Kc Hutter, author of A Broken Heart, offered three hard-covered copies. These were nabbed by Tamara, Karen, and Elaine.

Steve Reed, author of Transformed by Tough Times, provided a book that went to Kc. (She was the only entry in this particular giveaway. Hint, hint: Leave a comment next time, sweet friends, and you may win.)

A biblical counselor’s dream book, Christ-Centered Biblical Counseling by James MacDonald, Bob Kellemen, and Steve Viars landed in Melinda’s mailbox.

Next: My Mom’s Hope series. First post in this series is Thursday. Join us.

Blessings and Hope!

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