Hi everyone,

Today I’m over at The Sisterhood of Beautiful Warriors, my other blog. Come and bring your sword!

You Are Loved, Lucy 

Natalie stared at her half-naked body in the bathroom mirror. “Uggh! I’m so fat. I hate myself,” she thought. She stepped on the scale. It flashed 92. At five feet four inches, Natalie looked as emaciated as a prisoner in a concentration camp. She had all but stopped eating.

Her problem? An addiction to perfectionism.

Once her son hopped on the school bus, Karrie began to feel an adrenaline rush. Today she was going shopping! She told herself she’d buy one and only one outfit for her seven-year-old. She had made the same promise last week and broke it. “I can do it this time,” Karrie pep-talked. Three hours and many shopping bags later, she collapsed on her couch and cried. “You can’t do anything right,” she muttered to herself.

Her problem? An addiction to shopping.

Suzanne picked up after her kids in a flurry. Ben would be home any minute, usually in a bad mood, and she didn’t want to make it worse. As she scooped toys and kept on eye on dinner, negative thoughts attacked her–again. “I do everything I can to keep him happy. I wash his clothes. Make his dinner. Keep the kids quiet. Share his bed. But does he care about us? No! Just him and the remote and his twelve-pack of beer. Sometimes I wish he were dead.” She tossed another block in the toy box.

Her problem? An addiction to codependency.

In general terms, an addiction is a recurring compulsion to engage in a specific activity, to the point of harm. Numerous types of addictions take a heavy toll on the lives of men, women and children in the United States and across the globe. These addictions include uncontrolled, compulsive use of drugs (illicit and prescription), alcohol, gambling, tobacco, work, sex, pornography, overeating, codependency, perfectionism, cutting, shopping, the Internet, video games, exercise and religion. Addictions hit every ethnic and socioeconomic group.

Where Experts Disagree

The people who study addictions differ on its exact cause and best treatment. Most scientists say it’s a chronic, often relapsing brain disease that can be treated successfully with medication and behavioral therapy, according to the National Institute on Drug Abuse.

Neil T. Anderson and numerous other Christians in the field say it’s a spiritual problem at its core. He calls it spiritual bondage. He says in Freedom from Addiction, “You are not a derelict, you are not a bum, you are not a drunkard, you are not a pervert, you are not an alcoholic, you are not a drug addict, and you are not a pimp–you are a child of God. Knowing that wonderful truth and everything it implies provides the only real answer and lasting hope [you] need to overcome bondage.”

Anderson says people become addicts in order to ease the pain or fill a void that only Jesus can meet. And, he emphasizes, the answer is not salvation alone, but understanding one’s identity in Christ so the addict behaves in accordance with who she truly is: a saint.

Unlike secular scientists and counselors, Christian professionals who agree with Anderson frown on working an AA-type program to understand the reason for and treatment of an addiction of any sort. Rather they say what’s missing from addicts’ lives is a correct, healthy view of God.

A Vicious Cycle

Addiction interferes tremendously with the life of the addict and with the lives of the people who love her. She very often feels hopeless, guilt-ridden, full of shame and despondent. Caught in a vicious cycle like a hamster running a wheel, she turns to her addiction of choice to feel pleasure or relief, but succumbing to her addiction fills her with self-hate, so she seeks pleasure or relief, and the cycle continues.

Typically, the first signs of addiction are subtle and the addict believes she can stop the behavior. As the addiction progresses and affects family members, the addict may desire help.

An example: Karrie has a challenging home life. Her son has mental retardation, and her husband works long hours, often coming home after 9 p.m. To ease the pain of loneliness, she turns to shopping. “I love finding cool stuff for my little guy,” she says. “But once I’m in the store, it’s hard to quit buying. Shopping gives me a rush.” Her irresponsible use of credit cards has put her family in deep debt and caused arguments with her husband. Karrie has tried to stick to a budget and has enrolled in financial classes at her church. Nothing has worked. Now she turns to other women for solace and advice.

Like Suzanne and Natalie, Karrie is a Christian who regularly attends church.

Each can share a clear testimony of how they put their trust in Jesus as Savior. So if they know Jesus as Savior, why the addictions?

To read the rest of “Hope for the Hooked” go to my website and click free stuff. You may download the PDF file for personal use or to share with your Bible study, church or friends.

You Are Loved, Lucy 

Have you ever noticed the things you silently tell yourself–and believe?

I could never do that.

They don’t like me.

I am such an idiot!

So reads the back cover copy of Self Talk, Soul Talk: What to Say When You Talk to Yourself by Jennifer Rothchild. It reveals the heart of this book and its biggest selling point: We women snarl, snipe, yell — and, yes, lie — to ourselves about ourselves, and we got to recognize our destructive soul talk and s-t-o-p. Seriously, if we heard our kids say the words to call ourselves, we’d give them a timeout, or worse.

I liked Part 1 of Self Talk, Soul Talk better than Part 2. There’s a lot of good stuff in Seven Things to Say to Your Soul (the title of Part 2), and Jennifer is a warm storyteller, but the first part said exactly what I needed: Speak life-giving truth to your soul.

And where do we find Truth. Smack-dab in the pages of Scriptures.

Negative self-talk is such a Goliath for us women. This book will help you see it and sling a stone at its horned head.

Believe me, when you speak well to your soul, you know peace.

Bonus #1: Jennifer has a website by the same name of this book where you get a sense of community hearing her stories, reading comments left by women like you, and clicking on video snippets featuring several Women of Faith speakers and other folks. Well done. . .and fun.

Bonus #2: She has also put together a DVD-and-workbook Bible study on this exact topic but with a different name and cover — Me, Myself & Lies: A Thought Closet Makeover. I emailed her assistant to find out if this book will also have this new name at its next printing. Sadly, I have not heard back but I refuse to snarl at myself. You know, stuff like ”She doesn’t care about me”. . .”You don’t matter”. . .”Dingbat.”

Nope. Ain’t going there.

Highly recommended.

Lynn sobbed. Her voice cracked as she tried to put together a sentence: “I don’t think even God could forgive me.” (Names have been changed.)

It had been many long years of numbed pain before she broke her silence of her abortion at age 18. At least I hope she did. You see, Lynn and I lost contact during college. We never talked about her abortion. I’ve always wondered why. Were we. . .

Too stupid?

Too proud?

Too embarrassed?

All of the above?

Yeah, “all of the above” sounds right to me. I didn’t know then what I know now: Women who have abortions are in desperate need of healing. If I had known the devastation to women, I would not have helped my friend get an abortion. In fact, I would have yelled, screamed, laid down in front of her car, anything but stay silent.

Lynn and I–and our best friend Suzanne–were inseparable during our last two years of high school. . .except when Lynn was with her boyfriend.

Lynn missed her period and told Suzanne that she thought she was pregnant and not to tell anyone, even me. Suzanne told me anyway. Suzanne bought a pregnancy test for Lynn. When her suspicions were confirmed, I suggested to Suzanne that she call the Better Business Bureau and check out the abortion clinic so Lynn would be OK. We didn’t want her hurt.

Since Lynn never told me about her pregnancy, I believed the lie that I ought to respect her choice and her privacy, and say nothing.

She thought she was doing the right thing. She had plans to go to college and start a career then a family. Her boyfriend didn’t want to get married. Neither did she. The women at Planned Parenthood told her that her unborn baby was a blob of tissue. Nothing more. 

They are wrong. She was wrong. So was I.

My silence was deafening.

In our churches today, women very rarely share the story of their abortions. It seems to be THE no-no topic. Women are far more likely to say they have depression or anxiety, a rebellious kid, a messed-up marriage, infertility or a miscarriage. Abortion? No. It’s not a safe topic in almost all Christan circles. More silence!

Why? One reason is fear of condemnation from her Christian sisters.

If you want to make your church a safe place to share painful secrets of abortion, start with prayer. Ask God to bring a hurting woman into your life. If you’re a woman who had an abortion, give your Christian sisters the benefit of the doubt. Ask God to send you a compassionate woman whom you can trust.

I have a word for you compassionate friends and you women who hurt. Please listen.

Dear compassionate one, the hurting woman won’t tell you her pain at first. She needs to know she can trust you. She need to know you won’t condemn her. The Bible says, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). God loves her, warts and all. I am privileged to know Tiffany Stuart, a blogger and a wonderful women who often shares her abortion story at Tea with Tiffany. God is using her ministry to educate women and to bring healing to those who’ve ended their pregnancies and feel horrible, empty, numb, angry, depressed and unforgivable. Hers is one of the few Christian voices offering a safe place to heal.

Dear hurting woman, are you afraid to tell a friend about your abortion? If you haven’t experienced healing, you need to reach out. Do you feel nervous or angry arond babies and children?  Sorrowful? This sorrow may show up as uncharacteristic silence. These are a few signs you need healing.

Dear compassionate one, offer her hope. She must learn that nothing can separate her from God’s love. Show her this verse in the Bible: “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38-39). 

Dear hurting woman, you’ll find peace when you reconcile with God, with yourself and with others. If you haven’t already, talk with God and agree with him that the abortion was a mistake. Ask for his forgiveness. He will give it to you. At Calvary Jesus paid for all of your sins — past, present and future. However, you do not need to forgive yourself. No where in Scripture are we commanded to do this. God’s forgiveness is all that matters.

Dear compassionate one, help the hurting woman reconcile with others by speaking the truth in love to people who had a role in the abortion. They may have sinned against her, or she against them. These are very difficult conversations and you, as a friend providing counsel, should guide her. She may choose to write a letter or have a meeting with you there to help her.

Dear hurting woman, Do you need to reconcile with your baby? Some may disagree with me, but I say no because the Bible forbids communication with the dead. (See Isaiah 8:19.) If you desire, write a poem or draw or sculpt, or plant a tree, to remember God’s grace to you, my sweet sister.

So much more could be said about counseling someone who’s had an abortion, and if anyone reading this has had one, may God bless you. He loves you so much. He wants you to return to him. He knows your pain. He wants to heal you.

And, yes, God forgives you. 

You Are Loved, Lucy