Shame is lsjdflkjd.

Thankfully, we can shake free of shame. Here are five part of the anti-shame action plan. I’m continuing to add to it. Please share your suggestions with me. Thanks!

1. Share your struggle with shame.

Share your struggle with a trusted Christian friend or a biblical counselor. You may also turn to a pastor.

However, take care to avoid emotional attachment and to meet with him no more than one or two times. Titus 2:3-5 says older women should counsel younger women. When you’re vulnerable, the wise words of another woman is best.

2. Know the difference between true guilt and false guilt.

We must differentiate true guilt from false guilt. The latter is synonymous with shame and is based on feelings, not fact.

EXAMPLE of true guilt.: When you take home office supplies from work, you have true guilt because you stole. Perhaps you had a reason. Maybe your employer was being unfair and you felt that you were “owed.”

EXAMPLE of false guilt: You tell yourself that you are the worst person on the planet that you took something from your employer without permission and were unrighteously angry. You also call yourself worthless and stupid or other names.

GODLY RESPONSE to true guilt: When you respond properly to true guilt, you will own up to your sin. You’ll return the items and talk with your supervisor. You will also talk with God and ask him to change your resentful attitude. The result? You’ll know that God always loves you and accepts you in Christ, and you’ll have joy that you have forgiven and can learn from this trial and become a woman of integrity and courage.

3. Watch what you are saying to yourself.

In other words, identify your negative self-talk. This is easier to say than to do since self-condemnation may have become your default; it seems natural, even right.

Start by identifying the self-condemning words and phrases you say to yourself. List them on paper or in the notes of your phone or computer. Keep adding the the list as you notice them.

EXAMPLES of them include “‘I’m ugly” or “nothing good ever happens to me or my family” or “my life sucks.”

4. Challenge your shame-filled self-talk.

Know Philippians 4:8, a key Scripture that helps us transform our shame-based thinking. You might call it the 4:8 prescription, if you like.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble,

whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable

—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

As you think about “such things,” you will experience peace. The apostle Paul said, “Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.”

EXAMPLE:

Shame-filled thought: “I’m such a loser. Nothing is ever going to get better.”

Renewed thought: “That’s not true. Since I am a believer, God says that I am His child and that he loves me unconditionally. I cannot do anything to cause God to love me more, and I cannot do anything to cause Him to love me less. His love for me is everlasting (Psalm 103:10-12).”

5. Build mutually encouraging relationships.

This recommendation is an adjunct to #1, “Share your struggle with shame.” A primary reason that a person might not share her struggle with shame seems obvious: the fear of rejection. Already, the shame-filled individual has a high-sensitivity radar. Why would she dare to risk further humiliation in telling someone her deepest, darkest pain?

So if you’re not yet ready to share your shame struggle with a trusted Christian friend or biblical counselor, what else could you do? You might consider building a healthy friendship or two where each person listens and also has a voice.

But where does one begin, especially if she has had toxic relationships and needs to find her truest refuge in Christ? I’ll share two key ideas:

First, begin to learn to love wisely. This is a sophisticated alternative to self-protective boundary-making. When we love wisely, the other person’s greatest good is our goal. You already know the Scripture that speaks to this the best: Love God and love your neighbor as yourself (Mark 12:30-31).

Here is an excellent blog post by Anna Mondal.

Second, become familiar with the one-another verses in Scripture — such as help one another, pray for one another, and exhort one another (there are at least 60 of them!). They are the picture of mutually encouraging relationships among believer. If you’d like my “Best One-Another Passages,” please request it by name. Thanks.

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