Once a woman or girl has experienced sex, willingly or unwillingly, she is no longer a virgin. Medically speaking.
The average female loses her virginity at 17.4 years old, according to The Kinsey Institute, while males have their first sexual experience slightly younger. Those who make purity pledges may have sexual intercourse at an older age, thus are technically virgins but are more likely to engage in other types of sex, including anal penetration.
Enough statistics. This is not a medical blog. This is a heart blog. This is a hope blog. An our-hope-is-in-Christ place for you to come, relax and sip a latte of love.
Is Purity After Sex Possible?
Based on who God is, I must say “Yes,” blessed one. Our God is a God of grace and second chances. Moses murdered, and he’s listed among the faithful in Hebrews 11. David too. He committed adultery with Bathsheeba. Rahab is listed too. Rahab who? Rahab the prostitute who dared to embrace faith in God.
Faith is believing the Word of God and acting upon it, no matter how you feel, knowing God promises a good result.
Isn’t reclaimed purity a good result? If God’s promise of renewed life is good enough for a prostitute, doesn’t it also apply to you?
Yep, second chances.
Women and girls who lose their virginity before marriage fall in one of two camps: 1) they were sexually assaulted, or 2) they willingly shared their bodies.
When Someone Is Sexually Assaulted
Sexual assault is any unwanted sexual contact. It confuses a girl about sexuality. If an adult or child touches a girl’s genitals, she often has some good sexual feelings while also experiencing deep fear. This leads to turmoil, even intense guilt. She may believe she’s responsible for the sexual assault. The confounding mix of pleasurable sexual feelings with fear and guilt and confusion may occur in females of any age.
Here are two examples. Names and details have been changed.
- Susie, age 10, was nearly asleep on her Girl Scout camping trip when a peer knelt by her cot and touched her genitals. It felt ticklish and good, Susie confided in me. She kept quiet duing the touching and didn’t tell her Scout leader what had happened. Susie said she felt guilty because she wanted to shout “No” because she knew it was wrong but also liked the touch. On a Girl Scout camping trip the next year, Susie initiated unwanted sexual touch with another girl who also remained quiet.
- A freshman in college, Nicole was returning to her dorm at night after studying at the library. Two young men unknown to her grabbed her. She feared they would rape her. She yelled, pulled away, ran to her dorm room, and phoned the police. She told me she began carrying a hunting knife with her. Though she was not raped, Nicole said she felt violated.
When Someone Has Sex Willingly
Girls and women who willingly have even one sexual partner before marriage may get flooded with guilt and shame and intruding thoughts. Sex before marriage gets in the way of sexual freedom after marriage. So while you can reclaim a type of virginity that only God provides by making you pure, there is a cost.
May I encourage your to discuss what happened with your your husband (details aren’t necessary), a trusted female friend, or a female biblical counselor about premarital sex?
The reason you (or your daughter, granddaughter or niece) feels guilt or similar negative emotions: She disobeyed God’s command, for sexual intimacy belongs between a husband and wife only.
What do you do with the guilt and shame? Agree with God that you made an ugly choice, which the Bible calls “sin” and thank God for his gift of forgiveness that Jesus provided you at the cross.
Cleansed by God, you may now enjoy renewed purity. Sometimes guilt and shame may continue to entangle you. Confusion may mess with your mind. So what breaks us free?
Breaking Free
You can break free from guilt and shame through five ways at least:
- Whisper the Lord’s name.
- Spend time in his presence.
- Praise and thank him for his love for you.
- Continue to obey him.
- Practice trust.
The Lord provides all that we need to break free. Listen to this true story of God unchaining the apostle Paul and his friend Silas.
Around midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening. Suddenly, there was a massive earthquake, and the prison was shaken to its foundations. All the doors immediately flew open, and the chains of every prisoner fell off! (Acts 16:25-26 NLT)
This is a picture of what God desires to do in your life. God wants to lift you above your circumstances and give you peace and contentment. My friend Lynn Mosher writes,
“Let not all the trials of life, the enemy’s efforts, or your fleshly doings become like tendrils of weeds, wrapping around your heart and tethering your spirit. May you be released from those things of earth that bind you to its surface, that you may experience new, abundant, and victorious living.”
Yes, you can reclaim purity. Believe that in God’s eyes you are beautiful, holy, and perfect. All because of Jesus and the free gift of grace.
photo credit: Walking Away via photopin (license)
Beautiful!
As a woman who experienced molestation in childhood and promiscuity in my teen years, I can attest wholeheartedly to the cost and the guilt, pain, shame, fear…
Breaking the silence is the best start on the road to healing, to experiencing the love and forgiveness of God, to come to a place of sharing married love without shame.
Thank you, Lucy, for posting this series. I pray that many are touched and freed in reading.
Hugs,
Cheri
Lucy, a very good post. Thank you for sharing. Blessings….
Hey, Lucy –
This post is good. REALLY good.
Freedom. Hmmm… you think?
Thanks A LOT – for writing this. I hope you KEEP writing – you REALLY do it so well.
God bless,
Wanda
My ex-husband left me almost 2 years ago & he was the last one I was with. God is so far doing for me what I cannot do for myself…stay celebate. I am ABSOLUTELY AMAZED that I have been so for this long. I am the only one I know who is doing this. Is there anyone else? I am like a Unic for Christ…..
I wanted to wait for my husband but i found myself in a sexual relationship with a young man. At the time i told myself everybody is doing it ,right? I ended up pregnant and had to go live in a maternity home. Being around christians again made me see that what i did was very wrong. They taught me about second virginity and the pain that comes from premarital sex. My then boyfriend did not want to even try it. I gave away a precious gift to a guy who never even loved me. He went to prison when my son was six weeks old and i was left a single mom. A few months later i met the man i new God had in store for me all along. We pledged to wait to have sex before marriage. He married me out of the maternity home and calls my son his own. We have been married 14 months now but i still hate myself for what i had done. I just wish that i could go back and take it all away. Will my past haunt me forever? I never new anything could hurt so bad. I wish somebody would have told me sooner,before i did what i did.
Lydia,
I’m glad you married I man you loves you and your son. This is wonderful.
Don’t hate yourself for your sin. Jesus died for your sin — past, present and future. The Bible says that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. If you are in Christ Jesus (i.e., you told Jesus that you are a sinner and no longer want to sin and that you believe he died for your sins, was buried and rose from the dead), then God is not “haunting” you. Rather, Satan is trying to mess with your head and lie to you.
You are a saint, Lydia. God has redeemed you. You are precious to him.
Blessings, Lucy