Shame hurts. It says that you are…

  • inherently defective
  • “less” than others
  • worthless
  • bad

It is feeling bad for who you are. It can also come from what you have done or was done to you.

Does this definition fit of shame you or someone you know? God doesn’t want you under its heaviness. He has freedom for you.

Yes, there’s hope: God understands your pain. He is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18).

Let’s hear a shame story and identify sources of shame. Then we’ll uncover the solutions to overcoming shame.

Also, be sure to read part two “Solutions for Overcoming Shame.”

A Shame Story

Nina experienced shame on two counts, one far worse than the other, and both deeply hurtful.

In grade school, kids teased her. She had a birthmark on her face that she couldn’t hide. Teachers told the kids to stop name-calling. The kids saved the names for the playground. Nina’s parents noticed that she stopped smiling. Switching schools helped a bit but not enough.

When Nina was in middle school, an older neighbor boy pretended to be a friend. She began hanging out with him at his house when no one was home. His first touch on her knee seemed an accident. She didn’t make much of it or tell her parents. His next touch was on her breast. She felt confused. He told her that she was his best friend and that this was their secret game. The following week he manipulated her to touch his genitals.

Her temporary solution: To sign up for after-school activities and avoid him and his house. It helped but she pushed down all of her feelings and told no one.

God’s lasting solution: To debunk shame’s lies while embracing the truth of who you are in Christ. This is your true identity! Please ask for My Identity in Christ handout if you think it might help you to find freedom.

Sources of Shame

Here are common ones:

  • Growing up in a highly critical home. For example, a student brings home a report card with all As and a solitary B, and her parent focuses on the B and expresses disappointment.
  • Growing up in an indifferent home. In this helter-skelter home, a child could pretty much do whatever she wanted — good or bad — and the parents didn’t seem to care. Perhaps they were alcoholics or busy with work or mentally ill. A word for this is neglect. The child may feel that she was in the way, didn’t matter, or had to figure out life on her own.
  • Growing up in an abusive home.
  • Being abused, from the verbal taunts of a bully to sexual assault.
  • Not measuring up to the cultural norm. Examples: dropping out of high school, growing up poor, becoming pregnant while a teen-ager, and so on.
  • Not measuring up to our own standards. Someone who struggles in this regard may think, “I must have more friends to have worth.” Or, “I need more money to matter.” Even, “My work must be perfect.”
  • An embarrassing, traumatic event like a parent’s suicide or imprisonment.

No matter the source, shame hurts. It keeps you isolated from others, trying to hide your perceived imperfections.

Whatever trial you’ve faced, you can know triumph. Jesus loves you deeply.

And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because He has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love. (Romans 5:5)

Overcoming Shame Action Plan

Main point: You can shake free of shame. Here is an action plan that you could use. 

FIRST, share your struggle with a trusted Christian friend or a biblical counselor. You may also turn to a pastor. However, take care to avoid emotional attachment and to meet with him no more than one or two times. Titus 2:3-5 says older women should counsel younger women. When you’re vulnerable the wise words of another woman is best.

SECOND, differentiate true guilt from false guilt. The latter is synonymous with shame and is based on feelings, not fact.

EXAMPLE of true guilt.: When you take home office supplies from work, you have true guilt because you stole. Perhaps you had a reason. Maybe your employer was being unfair and you felt that you were “owed.”

EXAMPLE of false guilt: You tell yourself that you are the worst person on the planet that you took something from your employer without permission and were unrighteously angry. You also call yourself worthless and stupid or other names.

GODLY RESPONSE to true guilt: When you respond properly to true guilt, you will own up to your sin. You’ll return the items and talk with your supervisor. You will also talk with God and ask him to change your resentful attitude. The result? You’ll know that God always loves you and accepts you in Christ, and you’ll have joy that you have forgiven and can learn from this trial and become a woman of integrity and courage.

THIRD, identify your negative self-talk. This is easier to say than to do since self-condemnation has become your default; it seems natural, even right.

Start by identifying the self-condemning words and phrases you say to yourself. List them on paper or in the notes of your phone or computer. Keep adding the the list as you notice them.

EXAMPLES of them include “‘I’m ugly” or “nothing good ever happens to me or my family” or “I’m stuck” or “my life sucks.”

FOURTH, challenge your negative self-talk by searching Scripture

FIFTH, build relationships of mutual encouragement.

SIXTH, use social media wisely. So often Instagram stories tempt up to compare ourselves with others.

SEVENTH,  determine to believe what God says about you.

You may also want to check out my helpful eBook 7 Steps to Put Your Past in the Past.

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