If you have a dark secret, you probably are more like a turtle than a fancy show dog. Fancy show dogs lap up attention. Turtles hide. They are afraid. They like to blend in. Their hard shells protect them, or do they?

Through my childhood and into my 20s, I was all turtle. I tried to hide my dark secrets. The problem is, I acted out — quietly, for turtles are quiet — in ways that hinted at the pain I covered up, retracting my feet and head into my shell, my hiding place. Where is you favorite hiding place when you hurt? A book? TV? Wine? In the arms of a lover? Church?

In this blog post I’ll share:

1. Some of my own dark secrets.
2. How God healed my shame.
3. Do this. Don’t do that.

My Shameful Secret 

When you meet a turtle, you can bet they’ve been hurt. . .by parents or kids at school or a tragedy of some sort. Show dogs often have hurts too. They hide in other ways. One way is pointing you to their accomplishments. Another way is making jokes. Are you more like a turtle or a show dog?

Here are several of my secrets that turtle-ized me.

• Depression from childhood to my early 30s.
• A child of divorce. . .three times. My parents divorced twice, once when I was age 8, they remarried a year later, and divorced again in my mid 20s. My dad remarried and divorced.
• Sexual abuse survivor. I repressed the memories for nearly 20 years.
• Drug abuse. I drove drunk. I drove high. This happened in high school. I’m not proud of it. I was stupid.
• Self-harm. I went through a stage in high school where dug my fingernails into my wrists and drew blood.
• Binge eating followed by starving in college, yelled at myself — “pig, pig” — and ate more then punished myself by eating nothing for one or two days.
• Perfectionism. I thought I was lovable only when I did everything right. But I couldn’t, so I hated myself.

Yes, there’s more. I’ve learned to share only secrets where I now have healing and am open to talk about freely. What about you? Do you have secrets? Are you careful to share it with trustworthy people? Have you shared a secret with someone who betrayed your confidence? Didn’t their betrayal hurt worse than having a house drop on your head?

How God Healed My Shame

The turning point for this turtle was God-ordained. I wouldn’t have chosen it. In his wisdom, God picked the time and day. He knew I’d find safety in him and my husband.

A Saturday morning in the summer, I woke up, bawling. My poor husband thought I was in physical pain. I wasn’t. Memories from my childhood and teen years flooded me unexpectedly and I cried a Mississippi River. I had pushed down some of these memories for decades. I knew they were true. I had chosen to pretend.

Three important decisions I made that day:

• Share my deepest secret with a counselor.
• Start journaling my thoughts and feelings.
• Sing to Christian music every day.

Sharing my secret freed me from holding it in holding it in holding it in. To get it out, I first shared it in third person, but my counselor and I both knew I was talking about my secret–sexual molestation by a family member. After I shared with the counselor, I told my secret to my husband. He asked me why I had never told him. I said — and I meant it — that it had never crossed my mind. What a turtle I was!

Journaling provided a safe place to write where it hurt. Singing to solid Christian music filled with biblical truth helped renew my mind according to the Bible. I am thankful to God that he gave me the time to journal and sing, and people to confide in.

In you, Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame (Psalm 71:1, NIV).

Do This, Don’t Do That

Keeping a dark secret hurts you and others. Sharing them with a safe Christian friend or gospel-centered counselor heals. Here are a few do’s and don’ts for healing if you or a friend has a dark secret.

DO pray and ask God for healing.

DON’T pretend the dark secret is no biggie.

DO read the Psalms. David and other psalmists pour out their heart as they wrestle with hurts and hard emotions.

DON’T distract yourself day after day with food, TV, computer games, porn, or alcohol.

DO journal your thoughts and feelings.

DON’T “vomit” your secret on anyone and everyone or all over the Internet.

DO get the help God wants you to have.

Friend, God loves you just as you are. You don’t have to have it all figured out. It’s okay to be messy. We’re all sinners, right? And in Christ, you and I are saints! Hold dear to your identity in Christ.

In Christ, you are set free from condemnation and shame.

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8:1)

In Christ, you are able to live victoriously.

But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. (1 Corinthians 15:57)

OFFER: I encourage you to sign up for a complimentary 15-minute consult to find out if biblical counseling is for you. To sign up, send me a contact message. We can pick a time that works for you. Thank you.

Sharing hope with your heart,