Handling Conflict Well in a Friendship

Handling Conflict Well in a Friendship

WHEN A FRIENDSHIP TURNS SOUTH, what’s the best way to respond?

Two thoughts may come to mind immediately.

1. Drop your friend.

2. Stick it out and repair the friendship.

Which one seems best? What choice have you made in the past when a friend has hurt you? And is there an even better solution than these two?

Friendship Coach Chimes In

Best-selling author Dee Brestin wrote The Friendships of Women, which has sold over a million copies. By this book and her bible studies she has mentored many women through problem friendships as well as loneliness. She writes,

As roses vary from quiet pink to sunny yellow to razzmatazz red, so do women. And when you draw near to a woman, she will often quite willingly open to you petal after petal of fragrant loveliness.

But lurking beneath the glossy, green leaves of roses are surprisingly nasty thorns. After experiencing a few jabs into your soft, tender flesh, you handle roses with more respect. A dedicated rose gardener, one who believes that the glory of the rose more than compensates for the occasional wounds it inflicts, learns to bear the pain and to handle roses in such a way that she is seldom stabbed.

Lovely roses with pointy, blood-thirsty thorns? Even the thought of it freaks me out. Often when hurt, I back away. But is this best? Perhaps I’m protecting myself when I should investigate what’s going on. Maybe she didn’t even know she hurt me.

And what about you? When was the last time you were jabbed by a friend? How did you handle the pain?

When a Friend Did NOT Meant to Hurt You

Very often we feel hurt — and a friendship may be in rocky ground — when something minor happens. Common culprits for hurt feelings include:

A careless remark.

A forgotten invitation.

An unexplained silence.

A last-minute cancelled plan.

A misunderstanding

Hurt feelings – as painful as they are – confirms Scripture, that each of us has a fallen nature. Indeed, we’re all in trouble and need help.

The gospel of Jesus Christ transforms lives. Yes, this good news of his life, death, resurrection, and ascension has an astonishing effect on you and me. It says God first loved us. And we who love Jesus are loved by God. We are his daughters — despite the messy mistakes we make and the friends we hurt. When possible let love cover your hurt. The apostle Peter wrote,

Love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8

But what does this mean?

Yes, God sent his Son to cover our sins and to remove them as far from us as the east is from the west. But this is not likely the meaning here. In this context, Peter is talking about interpersonal relationships among Christians. It’s a dual kind of grace to which he is calling us. In other words, we think charitably of one another and assign the best of motives to the other’s actions.

So don’t sweat “the small stuff.”
SOLUTION: When unintentionally hurt by a your friend, let love cover the hurt and keep your friendship. Tell her, lovingly, that she hurt your feelings. Talk it through. And guess what? You’ll grow closer.

When a Friend Meant to Stab!

What’s a solution when your friend turned enemy, and she actually meant to slice and dice?

Right away, I think of Janna and our bible study fiasco. Many years ago, when I served as women’s ministry director at a church and the team decided to move the day of our study for the upcoming semester, Janna had a behind-the-scenes fit and told a mutual friend. You see, she highly valued the women’s bible study but the new day didn’t work for her. And I was hurt by her gossip.

I never meant to leave her out. However, the team also had failed to survey the women from the previous semester about days.

After a difficult conversation where Janna and I each confessed where we went wrong, our friendship survived. In fact, the team decided to have two bible studies that year.

Tough but needed: forgiveness!

SOLUTION: Find a female biblical counselor or mentor at your church to talk through your hurt feelings. Then discuss how to set up a discussion with your former friend. It may be best to have your mentor with you during the discussion. As always, talk with God in prayer before you meet.

An excellent resource is Ken Sande’s The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict.

as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. Colossians 3:13b

heart

Outside my door, I had a rose bush with the most beautiful magenta blossoms. It also had nasty thorns. When stabbed, I don’t take it personally. The rose bush is just being itself. Thorns and all. This is the nature of the rose bush.

So it is with friendships. They are not perfect and never will be. (And sometimes they are best ended. But that’s another post.)

COUNSELING: Are you hurting from a broken relationship? Contact me for Christ-centered biblical counseling.

Counseling Hearts to Hope,

31 days of friendship {day 31}: a gift for you!

Congrats! We did it! 31 Days of Friendship ends today, and I have a thank you gift for YOU.

Wow! 31 Days of Friendship ends today, and I have a special announcement:

I have a thank-you gift for you.

Glittery like gold? No.

Fancy like a Porche? No again.

Useful and a money saver? YES!

While choosing your gift, I asked myself, What would a caring woman like you want most? My educated guess: a level of security, protection, and help that UN-burdens the pocketbook.

And so my gift to you — remember, gifts are free 🙂 — is the WellCard. You can read more about the WellCard here.

The WellCard is not insurance. It is a discount card accessing many thousands of health care providers, services, and products. It is useful to you whether you have great insurance, are under-insured, are on Medicare, or have no health insurance.(Psst.  . .I have the WellCard and save oodles of money.)

These are some of the benefits of the WellCard.

1. PRESCRIPTION DRUG DISCOUNT BENEFIT: Save instantly up to 65% on drug prices. The WellCard has a nationwide network of over 59,000 pharmacies, including major chains and community pharmacies. Your actual savings may vary depending on the medication and the pharmacy you use.

2. FIRST ACCESS MEDICAL DISCOUNT BENEFIT: Cardholders can benefit significantly on medical services by utilizing the contracted provider networks through First Access. Over 410,000 physicians nationwide and over 45,000 ancilliaries (lab, MRI, imaging, durable medical equipment, home health care) belong to the network. There is no limit to the number of times you can save when visiting participating providers.

3. OUTLOOK VISION DISCOUNT BENEFIT: Simply present your card at a participating provider to receive your discount.

4. DENTEMAX DENTAL DISCOUNT BENEFIT: Again, present your card at a participating provider to receive your discount.

You can compare the WellCard to a coupon that you can use over and over and over. Read more about the WellCard here.

The best thing about this gift is it costs you nothing. Not even a cent. You can only save money. I am not kidding. A treat, not a trick.

If you are interested in receiving this gift, please send me a message through my website and say you want the WellCard. Whoever asks for the WellCard from me will receive it. When you send me a message, I can then give you a “Group #” that lets you sign up for it and print out your WellCard. Once you print it out, you can use it immediately. It can be used for every member in your family.

Thank you, friend, for joining me on the 31 Days of Friendship journey. I appreciate you.

 

 

Top friendship posts! {day 30}


Check out the favorite posts during our 31-days friendship journey! 

Hi friends, tomorrow is Day 31 and I’ll have a special announcement for all of you and for your friends. It’s amazing (and does not cost a cent)! Be sure to read tomorrow’s post and find out what it is.

Let me share the readers’ top posts in 31 Days of Friendship. Have fun poking around. 😉

1. face to face or side by side? (day 3) 

2. are facebook friends real friends? (day 5) FYI: This was MY personal favorite!

3. welcoming the lonely (day 11)

4. the best chocolate chip cookie EVER (day 17)

5. oh, dude: half a brain? (day 2)

6. a lonely apostle? (day 13)

7. an ingredient list for friendship (day 16)

Thank you for joining me on this journey. Also if you have a moment please sign up for my complimentary eLetter “Cup of Joy.” Encouragement, resources, fun.

When you subscribe, you’ll get my eBook “5 Amazing Names God Calls You.” Just type in your email address.


 

31 days of friendship {day 29}: what matters most?

Faith, family, and friends matter most. Let your love for God overflow your friendships.

Let your love for God overflow your friendships.

There is nothing more beautiful than a woman. . .

whose mind thinks on her wonderful Lord,

whose lips praise his holy Name,

whose eyes see what matters most.

What matters most? Faith, family, and. . .

f R i E n D s.

Speak a word of blessing to a friend today. You may even consider sending her an eCard from Crosswalk.com. There are many free ones to choose from. While you’re thinking about it, send it. (Like now.) Simple, fun. 🙂

Psst. . .if you like my blog posts, you’ll love my not-quite-monthly eLetter Cup of Joy. The next one comes out next week. When you subscribe, you’ll get my eBook “5 Amazing Names God Calls You.” Just type in your email address. Many, many thanks.

You Are Blessed!

 

31 days of friendship {day 28}: How to LOVINGLY Confront a Friend

Sometimes friendship hurts. Usually it is amazing, but sometimes. . .you’ll need to lovingly confront a friend.

Let’s be honest.

Sometimes friendship hurts. Usually it is amazing, but sometimes. . .well, you know how it goes: as messy as making cupcakes with a dozen preschoolers.

So what can you do to to restore a friendship? Yesterday I wrote on the two basic ways to mend a friendship. Now let’s dig deeper into how to  lovingly confronting a friend. Tough, yes. Impossible, no.

Here are three steps. Please share your ideas in Comments. Your ideas encourage other women like you. 🙂

1. Pray. This may sound like a no-brainer, but do not skip this step. It may make or break your friendship. Do it. Ask yourself, Why am I confronting this person? What change do I hope for? What is the best time to have this difficult conversation and where?

2. Deal with your own anger BEFORE you lovingly confront your friend. You’ve been hurt; chances are your anger shows on your face, in your tone, even in how hard to slam your kitchen cabinets or how fast you drive or . . . (add your favorite anger expression). James 1:20 reads, “Man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.” So talk to God about your anger. He listens and guides you to walk in His ways.

3. Ask God for the words to share with your friend. Tell her how you feel. You might say something like “I feel hurt that you forgot our lunch plans again.” Also tell your friend what you want to happen.

You might say, “I’d love to get together for lunch again. But let’s wait until you have less on your plate. Let’s continue to talk on the phone. When you know you can make a lunch, then tell me.”

A final practical point: Some friendships cannot be mended. You’ve tried but there’s an impasse.

God can use an impasse for good. An example of an impasse comes from Acts. Paul and Barnabas have a disagreement. Barnabas was John Mark to come on a missionary journey with them. Paul refuses, remembering the time that John Mark had bailed on them. So what happened? God multiplies his missionary teams in Asia Minor and Barnabas takes John Mark with him while Paul chooses Silas.

Sometimes friendships end. If this has happened to you, remember the good things about your friend and grieve the loss of the friendship but move on. God is with you. God is with her.

 

31 days of friendship {day 27}: 2 ways to mend a broken friendship

With God’s power you can mend a broken friendship. Learn His two ways of restoration. He loves you. He loves your friend.

During high school my two best friends and I dubbed ourselves the three amigas. Together in school, at lunch, on the weekends, the number three might not work for many women friendships. But it worked for us.

Until senior year.

They met boys. College boys. College boys who roomed together on campus.

Three didn’t work anymore.

I felt forgotten. They didn’t mean to hurt me but I felt hurt. Should I still be their friend or kiss ’em goodbye? A tough question for a 17 year old. For any woman.

Have you been hurt by a friend and wondered how to mend a broken friendship? Yes and yes.

With God’s power you can mend a broken friendship by one of two ways. See which works for your situation or for someone you care about, like your daughters. (They learn how to mend friendships by watching us. Kinda scary but also an honor.)

1. If the wound is not horribly deep — or you feel compelled — cover an offense with love. 

I was able to do this with my two best high school friends. They didn’t mean to hurt me, and I had other friends to hang with. But I still missed them and the way it used to be.

1 Peter 4:8 reads, “Love covers a multitude of sins.”

So when you can and as the Holy Spirit empowers you, let the hurt go. Let love cover the offense. Letting go can lead to restoration. After high school graduation, we three went our separate ways, as we attended different universities but we kept in contact and had no ill will.

But what it you can’t just let it go. Then what?

2. Here is the other practical step the mending a friendship and it is tough: Confront with love.

Years ago when I was a women’s ministry director at a local church, my team and I made a decision to switch the day of our morning Bible study for several good reasons. At least we thought they were good. But not Ann (not her real name).

Angry about the decision (and behind my back), she phoned each women in the bible study and complained about the day change and complained about me. She even went to the pastors and complained.

I felt hurt and sad and angry.

Eventually, Ann and I confronted one another in love. I apologized that the change took her by surprise, that I should have communicated better with everyone. She apologized for gossiping.

Our friendship was never the same, however. We hadn’t been super close but now we were tentative around each other, fearing more hurt. It was as mended as could be.

Solomon said, “Better is open rebuke than hidden love” and “Faithful are the wounds of a friend.” Proverbs 27:5,6.

I learned a lot from this mess. I continue to value Ann and see her from time to time. We say “hi” and make small talk. I confronted, forgave and moved on.

Do you have a broken friendship? Will you cover the offense with love? Or confront your friend in love? Please share and encourage others.

Psst. . .if you like my blog posts, you’ll love my not-quite-monthly eLetter Cup of Joy. The next one comes out next week. When you subscribe, you’ll get my eBook “5 Amazing Names God Calls You.” Just type in your email address. Many, many thanks.

You Are Blessed!

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