Overcoming Worry with an Action Plan

Overcoming Worry with an Action Plan

Overcoming worry: Who doesn’t want help and hope for recurring, anxious thoughts?

Worriers meditate very well … on the wrong things! Here is an action plan for overcoming worry. This article appeared first here at the Biblical Counseling Coalition website.

My mother-in-law is an expert worrier. She worries about the weather. She worries about dinner turning out alright. And she worries that my husband and I will get home in one piece.

Worry fills one’s thoughts with apprehension. It can keep a person up at night. It also seems second nature, right? Seriously, who does not worry at least some of the time?

Perhaps Erma Bombeck was right all along when she said, “Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere.”[1]

Worry Defined

Worry is handwringing while overthinking. It is an anxious response to one of life’s many trials (John 16:33). The word worry from Old English is wyrgan, which means “to choke” or “strangle.”

The parable of the sower nails the downside of this type of fear. “The worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth, and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful,” (Mark 4:19). The worries of this life distract us from the gospel, for certain.

While it demonstrates a lack of faith, ordinary worry that most of us experience does not result in significant impairment: someone who worries can still hold down a job, study for exams, put a finishing touch on a sermon, and so forth.

In contrast, debilitating worry that results in distress/disability (and often muscular tension and physical complaints) is an essential feature of Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). Statistics estimate that GAD affects 6.8 million people, or 3.8 percent, in the United States in any given year; women are twice as likely to have this diagnosis.[2]“Everything” causes them to worry—health, work, family, school, money. They dread each day.

But God …

God lovingly urges us to worry about nothing. We all know this cornerstone verse on handling anxiety. “The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God” (Phil. 4:5-6).

The temptation to worry can be overcome as we trust God in all circumstances. As we trust Him and desire to please Him (Matt. 6:25-34), we focus less and less on ourselves and our cares. We grow in believing God’s promise to provide for all of our needs. We reach out to help others.

So, how do we practically overcome worry?

Anti-Worry Action Plan

The biblical solution to worry sets squarely on what we think and do, and at its heart is self-counsel. “What we say to ourselves controls much of what we do, whether right or wrong, true or false, which is the fruit of what we believe,” writes Paul Tautges.[3]

This self-counsel helps us reject lies and speak biblical truths to ourselves about God, ourselves, and our circumstances. Here are components of an action plan that we might use to teach ourselves and our counselees how to think and act biblically.[4]

Think Biblically

  1. Remember God’s promise to care for you whatever your circumstance. Review Psalm 23, Matthew 6:25-34, and Luke 12:22-34. Choose one passage to memorize and meditate upon.
  2. Ask God for His help to change your pattern of worrisome thoughts. Memorize 1 Thessalonians 5:17. Review Hebrews 4:15.
  3. Determine to think on things that please the Lord (Phil. 4:8). When worrisome thoughts invade (as often they do), replace them with faith-filled thoughts. Here is help on how to do this.
  4. Daily review simple yet profound truths that counter worry. Here are three based on Matthew 6:25-35. (Read 11 more of these truths here.)
    1. God commands me not to worry; worry is sin (vv. 25, 34).
    2. God provides all of our material needs (v. 33).
    3. Today has enough trouble; there’s no sense to borrow more from tomorrow (v. 34).

Act Biblically

  1. Pray always with thanksgiving (Phil. 4:6; 1 Thess. 5:17).
  2. Bless others with tangible and genuine expressions of biblical love and service.
  3. Regardless of how you feel, do what you know is right (Rom. 12:1) and view your circumstance as an opportunity to grow spiritually because God works all things together for good in your life (Ps. 37; Rom. 8:28-29; Phil. 1:6).

In Summary

Worry is anxious fretting about something that has not yet happened. It reveals mistrust in God. By worrying, we may feel in control. We may actually rely on it to provide a false sense of security.

Corrie Ten Boom once said, “Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.”[5]

To that end, let us turn to God for true peace and rest (Matt. 11:28-30). As we repent of worry and follow a Bible-based action plan, we will see practical change in our lives.

Question for Reflection

  1. What types of worry fill your thoughts or those of your counselees? Finances? Health? Work? Family?
  2. How might prayer help you or your counselees to express worry-free contentment? Here are two examples: “Jesus, help me to trust you with my future rather than become anxious about my job.” “Jesus, when I am tempted to worry, help me to practically love the people around me.”

[1] Erma Bombeck Quotes, Goodreads, accessed May 27, 2021, https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/140315-worry-is-like-a-rocking-chair-it-gives-you-something.

[2] “Generalized Anxiety Disorder,” Anxiety and Depression Association of America, accessed May 27, 2021, https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/generalized-anxiety-disorder-gad.

[3] Paul Tautges, “14 Daggers that Help Kill Worry,” Biblical Counseling Coalition, December 2, 2014, accessed May 27, 2021, https://www.biblicalcounselingcoalition.org/2014/12/02/14-daggers-that-help-to-kill-worry/.

[4] This action plan draws majorly from John C. Brogan’s Self-Confrontation: A Manual for In-Depth Discipleship.

[5] Corrie Ten Boom, Clippings from my Notebook, (Thomas Nelson Inc., 1982).

Pursuing Peace Through My Anxiety

Pursuing Peace Through My Anxiety

Is it possible to live anxiety-free and in peace? To be “anxious for nothing,” as the apostle Paul mandated us believers (Phil. 4:6, NKJV)?

In his book Anxiety: Knowing God’s Peace (P&R Publishing, 2019), Paul Tautges defines anxiety as a distracting care – “to have our minds and our hearts in two worlds.” This distracting care diverts our attention from the eternal Lord to temporal, earthly concerns. Anxiety not only divides our minds, but also weighs us down. 

This article appeared first here on the Biblical Counseling Center (BCC) website. I’ve counseled through BCC since 2014 (now exclusively through Telehealth online video), and I specialize in helping women and families overcome fear, worry, and panic.

We can also describe anxiety as the emotion of uncertainty. Sometimes, it reveals itself as a conglomeration of nagging worries. Nothing horrible or deadly, more like a swarm of mosquitoes than an agitated rattlesnake.

At other times, anxiety is a debilitating panic. It can feel like a knife stabbing you in the chest with every breath, or like a lump in the throat, or sweaty palms, or wobbly Jell-O knees, or any number of uncomfortable, unwanted body sensations experienced when we’re highly stressed. It can also show itself as fear of man or any number of other expressions of anxiety.

Whether nagging worries, or debilitating panic, or any other expression of it, anxiety has powerful and negative effects on the body. We’ve all experienced it personally.

Peace through understanding anxiety’s effects

A pressure is first evaluated in the mind. “Do I have enough money in the bank to cover the $200 water bill?” If we check our account and it has several thousands in it, we relax. But if there is only a measly $20, our pulse may quicken and our thoughts may scurry like mice, looking for an answer to our financial conundrum.

When anxiety persists (and often it does in today’s chaotic times), it can have negative effects on the body: muscular tension, headaches, gastro-intestinal problems, and so forth. When left unresolved, anxiety may lead to depression and other negative emotions as well as phobias, panic attacks, and compulsive behaviors. (Since some of these problems may have an organic, physical cause, it is always wise to consult a health practitioner.)

When I’m mildly anxious, my upper shoulder muscles often become tight and a tension headache may ensue. If I ruminate on whatever is bothering me into the evening, insomnia is my probable bed companion. Sometimes I stress-eat chocolate.

If my anxiety goes way beyond nagging worries and has catapulted into panic, a horribly frightful and often recurring experience I’ve described in Help: I Get Panic Attacks(Shepherd Press, 2019) and in this blog article, “The Truth of a Panic Attack,” then my bodily sensations may include a racing heart, perspiration, numbness of fingers and toes, feeling faint, and a sense of doom.

With anxiety, we’ve each lived it, hated it, and wished it gone, yet it hangs like chains around our hearts.

In Psalm 31, David describes the interconnectedness of the body and the mind, and he nails the solution; that is, turning to God: “But as for me, I trust in You, Lord, I say, ‘You are my God.’” I encourage you to invest a few minutes in reading it and meditating on its truths.

Peace through the renewing of the mind

A mind renewed by the truth of God as revealed in Scripture is the only lasting antidote for anxiety and other negative emotions. Tautges counsels, “Ultimately, security and peace come from the Lord—from knowing and trusting the character and love of God. So don’t let your anxiety lead you away from God. Run to Him today.”

Indeed, a right view of God will replace anxiety with peace.

Lisa came to counseling for anxiety. As I heard her story, I learned that she had been an excellent student and a rule follower. It was important to her to please her parents and her teachers. Now married, she desired to please her husband too. When she received his approval (or at least not his disapproval), she felt good. When she feared that he wasn’t pleased, her anxiety ruined her day. She became extremely introspective and also irritable, trying to figure out how to get her husband’s favor.

As you probably gathered, the root problem of her anxiety was the fear of man, specifically her husband. She wasn’t afraid of him in the sense that she thought he might hit her. Rather, she feared his disapproval.

Proverbs 29:25 says, “The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is safe.”

In counseling, she learned to be resolute in doing what was right in the eyes of God, not in the opinion of her husband. This also required some uncomfortable conversations with her husband. Ephesians 4:15 calls us to speak the truth in love. As Scripture renewed her mind, she determined to take a leap of obedience and to trust and obey God. She took to heart 2 Timothy 1:7— “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and discipline.”

Peace through an actionable plan to overcome anxiety

The Bible urges us to renew our minds (Rom. 12:2, Eph. 4:23). But how does this happen, this renewing of the mind? This is a common question among anxiety-plagued Christians who are seeking a biblical solution.  Let us consider these four parts.

First, right belief.

Overcoming anxiety begins with the right belief about the goodness and greatness of God, and our relation to Him. He is the Creator, we are the created. He is the Potter, we are the clay. Consider studying the attributes of God. A good study Bible would be helpful in this endeavor, so are books on this topic by A.W. Tozer, Arthur W. Pink, and (more recently) Jen Wilkins.

Second, right thoughts and desires.

What we believe is the foundation for our thinking. “As a man thinks, so he is” (Prov. 23:7). Our thoughts are a reflection of who we really are.

Third, do right.

Our actions flow from our beliefs and our thoughts. Even though it is difficult, we must not let our emotions rule us. God calls us to live by faith, not our feelings.

Fourth, feel right.

When we “do right,” that is to trust and obey God as His beloved children whom His Spirit guides and empowers, we will feel right. We have the peace that comes from a renewed mind.

Example: When the shepherd boy David brought lunch to his older brothers who were part of the Israelite army cowering in fear (1 Sam. 17), he took stock of the scene. He viewed the giant Goliath as a tiny, annoying gnat in comparison to the almighty God whom he served. In the presence of all gathered, he declared to Goliath, “You come to me with a sword, a spear, and a saber, but I come to you in the name of the Lord of armies, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the Lord will hand you over to me. (17:45-46a, NASB).

We all know the rest of this story. David killed that giant with a sling and a stone, and the victory belonged to God.

David displayed right belief > right thinking/desire > right action > right feeling. How can you and I do the same? Recall Paul’s admonition in Phil. 4:9: “As for the things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.”

Closing reflection

I hope this description of anxiety and God’s solution to it have given you more insight into how to respond biblically when nagging worries, debilitating panic, the fear of man, or another expression of fear assails you or a loved one.

We can gain more empathy for those who have anxiety. We can remember that God gives us His solution for overcoming it and finding peace. What is a practical and Godward action step that you can take today?

Is Your Brain Squishy?

Is Your Brain Squishy?

Is your brain squishy?

My counselor friend Shannon put into words what I’d been feeling for months: brain fog. Do you know what I mean? Poor concentration, inability to focus, and … trouble getting motivated.

It’s been ridiculously hard to get going these past few months. Just putting on clean socks is an awe-inspiring accomplishment, right? Almost everyone’s brain has become squishy!

WHAT HELPS TO UN-SQUISH YOUR BRAIN:

1. Name the problem.
2. Use your God-given wisdom to move forward.

Name the problem.

We all are living through the health CRISIS called coronavirus as well as its spinoffs (business closures, school interruptions, political chaos, riots, et cetera). The resulting stress contributes to mental fatigue, increased anxiety, irritability, sadness, feeling “off” — that is, a squishy brain!

The Webster’s New World Dictionary defines crisis as “a turning point in the course of anything, a decisive or crucial time, stage, or event.”

Use your God-given wisdom to move forward. 

By definition, people in crisis are beyond their normal ability to cope. At the very least, people in crisis need safety, rest, and support.

SAFETY

SAFETY: Perhaps you or a loved one became unemployment or fear becoming infected with the coronavirus. Either way, life seems risky and unpredictable. You feel unsafe. Three small actions you might take:

  • Ask a trustworthy friend to isten as you share your fears.
  • Daily do a simple positive action, such as making the bed or taking a walk.
  • Memorize a verse in the Bible, maybe this one …

“In peace I will both lie down and sleep: for you along, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.” Psalm 4:8

REST

REST: Good sleep and regular downtime keep us sane, but it may seem impossible to shut off intrusive thoughts, right? The last place to find peace, however, is social media. Mindless scrolling adds to stress. 

My counselees Susan in Texas,  Kelsey in the Midwest, and Allie on the East Coast each heeded my counsel and took a social media hiatus, and their anxiety dropped like a rock. Better sleep, more smiles, less worry. But another counselee kept giving in to the temptation to check Instagram and Facebook, to her detriment.

SUPPORT

SUPPORT: Don’t go it alone. Even seeing people in masks may add to the disconnect. So how do we get support in a crisis, especially a health crisis? Counterintuitively, we get support as we give it!

One of my counselees, who lives in Ontario and is a new Christian, began attending a new church via lifestream and reached out to the church secretary, and they’ve become prayer partners!

Remember, you are not alone. The Lord is with you, helping you conquer your fear.

Giving hope and help, anywhere and anytime,
Dr. Lucy Ann Moll

P.S. Do you need help in your struggles? Contact me to set up a free phone consult.

Afraid? A Method to Calm Your Fear

Afraid? A Method to Calm Your Fear

When fear gets the upper hand, and we struggle to know what to do, it may help to have a plan in place. This method helps to calm your anxious feelings that flow from your thoughts. Does it “work” every time you’re afraid? No, of course not. Will is help you understand your emotion and learn how to respond to it wisely? Yes!

MAIN POINT: We can learn to conquer fear as we trust God and apply his truth to our minds. 

This article appeared first here at Biblical Counseling Center, where I am on staff providing counseling by video to people all over the world.

Where fear flourishes, there your heart will be also.

From a mild sense of unease to full-blown panic, fear is an emotion most of us would rather live without. It communicates that someone or something we care about is being threatened or that we might lose it. Fear shows us what we value most.

Consider these three folks who are afraid.

In each case, try to figure out what they each value most.

  • Dolores’s elderly mother has dementia and is in the memory care unit of a health facility, which so far has kept its patients and workers safe from COVID-19. Nonetheless, she loses sleep worrying night after night, fearing for her mother’s well-being.
  • Breanna has packed her high school schedule with advanced placement and dual-credit classes, hoping to gain admission to a high-ranking university. She fears her friends might make fun of her if she attends a community college.
  • John just learned that his company is hiring new workers in his department and is wondering if he’ll be laid off. If he lost his job, how would he make rent and pay utilities?

Fear is very real, and it can keep us from functioning in our daily lives. So how can we calm our fears?

1. Identify your emotion as fear.

Sometimes, identifying an emotion is not as easy as it sounds. You may feel uneasy or nervous or freaked out; you may also feel overwhelmed or hurt. Is fear the most accurate descriptor?

If you’re not sure, ask yourself if you feel like pulling away from people or clinging to them. This reaction is a hallmark of fear: it prods us to seek safety, security, and certainty.

EXAMPLES: A teen who’s afraid of getting judged by friends at church may decide to skip the in-person service and watch the live stream instead; A guy who fears that his girlfriend is going to dump him may respond by showering her with gifts and sending her one text after another.

2. Examine your fear like a scientist.

Once you’ve identified your emotion as fear, examine what is going on by asking yourself a host of questions (you may discover it helps to write down your answers):

Is there a place connected to the fear? Perhaps it is linked to your workplace or to a room in your home, or a place in your town. For the longest time, after I was attacked by a dog at age 8, I could not walk down Bellforte Avenue, near where it happened. Just going near that street caused my heart to pound like a drum.

Is there a certain time that unnerves you? Some of us don’t like a certain holiday or the anniversary of a family member’s death date because it brings uneasy memories of painful events.

Is there a type of activity or a particular person linked to the fear you feel? One of the people I counseled told me she becomes greatly alarmed when she hears sirens. She connects the sound of them to the untimely death of her baby.

3. Evaluate your fear.

Begin by considering your reaction. Ask yourself, is my reaction godly and constructive, or is it sinful and destructive? An example of constructive concern is studying for an algebra exam. You want a good grade so you memorize formulas and rework problems until you are confident you know the material.

In a similar way, David in the Old Testament had a constructive reaction when he faced Goliath (1 Sam. 17). He chose the best weapon for him to defeat the giant (a sling and five smooth stones), and he came in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of Israel, who had promised victory over the Philistines. His courageous reaction to Goliath sharply contrasted the reaction of the army of Israel, who cowered in fear.

Biblical truth gives us reason to hope and teaches us to turn to God. “No matter what the danger or what we are valuing, God can be trusted with our treasures, and every fear ought to drive us straight toward the Lord in prayer, obedience, and fellowship!” [2]

Next, ask yourself how likely it is that what you fear will actually happen? Let’s say you fear that a routine medical exam might suggest the presence of cancer. Consider the likeliness of a bad result; while possible, it is very low, and worrying about it would be a waste of your energy (Matt. 6:34).

Finally, ask yourself, what is the worst that could happen? When my relatively new refrigerator needed repair for the third time three months in a row, I asked myself this exact question and realized that the worst was the hassle of another repair or getting another fridge, which was under warranty (thankfully). My evaluation gave me a sense of relief, not dread.

4. Act wisely in response to your emotion.

When you identify, examine, and evaluate your fear, you may come to a realization that it was not a big deal after all.

Conversely, you may detect a troubling pattern. For instance, you may notice you have a tendency to worry, to look to people for their approval, to avoid certain situations (e.g., riding an elevator) for fear of a panic attack, and so on.

In any case, it is wise to act in response to fear in godly ways. Here are a few of them:

Train yourself to turn to Scripture. A few excellent passages to read regularly are Phil. 4:4-9, Matt. 6:25-34, Luke 12:22-34, Psalm 23, and Psalm 27.

Practice deep breathing and other healthy habits. Inhaling and exhaling slowly helps us to relax. Other healthy habits are giving yourself ample time to get from place to place, unplugging from the internet, and steering clear of computer screens late in the day, which may interrupt sleep. Additionally, you might incorporate or begin regular exercise (as always, check with your doctor), good nutrition, and a bedtime routine. You’ve already heard healthy tips; decide which one you’ll begin to make a habit.

Face your fears wisely. Are you afraid to ask your boss for a raise? Are you avoiding a family member who unnerves you? Does the idea of flying in an airplane cause your heart to skip a beat? To face your fears wisely, be sure to examine and evaluate them, and have a thought-out plan. Discuss your plan with a trusted Christian friend and loved ones who can support you. You may also consider talking with a biblical counselor.

Hope for a Peace-Filled Life

What you fear need not rule your life. A method to calm your fears helps you to understand that fear reveals your treasure and provides a plan to identify, examine, and evaluate it and to respond to it wisely in accordance with Scripture.

When you handle this negative emotion in the right way, your trust in God increases, and others will begin to ask you the secret that the Apostle Paul had come to know.

“The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you” (Phil. 4:9).


[1] This quote comes from the excellent book Untangling Emotions by J. Alasdair Groves and Winston T. Smith (Wheaton, IL: Crossway), 2019, 153. It is a play on Matthew 6:21, which reads, “where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” The book presents an identify-examine-evaluate-act approach to engaging every emotion. I highly recommend it to those who provide and receive counseling.

[2] Ibid., 160.

7 Tips to Make a Great Apology

7 Tips to Make a Great Apology

When we are under a lot of stress, our anger may bubble over and scorch someone. Then what?

We may think that we are justified in our anger and that the other person deserved our hot words or our icy stare. But Scripture provides a better way: confession leading to forgiveness. In other words: an apology!

Here is an article I wrote for the Biblical Counseling Coalition in the middle of the 2020 pandemic. I hope it helps!

Jack and Jill needed help in making an apology. Yes, they are living the American dream: steady employment, a nice home, two healthy children, and a marriage that has lasted eleven years. But there is a problem. But under his successful veneer, Jack becomes angry when he doesn’t get what he wants and lets his family know it, loudly. Jill also gets mad—a quiet simmering, stewing kind of anger that is just as nasty as her husband’s.[1]

Each has said and done things that, at the time, made sense in the heat of their anger. Their relational pain prompted them to make an appointment with a biblical counselor who showed them from Scripture that an angry heart is the cause of their conflict (Matt. 5:21-22; Mark 7:20-23; Luke 6:43-45; James 4:1-2; 1 John 3:15).

This was news to Jack and Jill, both Christians. He had figured that his upbringing was at fault for his anger problem and that his wife’s monthly hormonal swings had caused her irritation. As they were beginning to each take responsibility for their own sin, Jack and Jill needed to replace their old way of sweeping their anger under the rug, which had only created more problems (James 1:19-20).[2]

It is essential to relational healing for the wrongdoer to confess to the harmed party how he or she failed. We often call this “making an apology.” This blog post covers a sliver of forgiveness—specifically, seven parts of an apology, outlined by Ken Sande, author of The Peacemaker. Making an apology is an art that requires humility. But usually, we mumble a quick “I’m sorry” or say, “Let’s just forget it, okay?” These non-apologies rarely bring about true forgiveness and may deepen resentment.

So, what’s a better way? Consider “Seven A’s of Confession.”[3]

1. Address Everyone Included

First, confess your sin to God (Ps. 32:5; 41:4), then to every person who has been touched by it. Ken Sande differentiates between a “heart sin” and a “social sin.” “A “heart sin” takes place only in your thoughts and does not directly affect others. Therefore, it needs to be confessed only to God.”[4] But often, a sin is not only a heart sin but a social sin that is evident in our behavior. When Jill felt anger toward Jack, for example, she very rarely talked to him about it; instead, she became irritated and sniped at him and their children. In counseling, she learned of her need to confess the sin of grumbling to each of them and seek their forgiveness.

2. Avoid If, But, and Maybe

Using these words negates the confession, for it shifts the blame to others or minimizes guilt. The best example: “I’m sorry if I’ve done something to upset you.” Isn’t it amazing that the tiny word “if” ruins this frequent “confession”? It implies that the person does not know whether there was any wrongdoing in the first place.

Other examples of non-confessions:[5]

“I shouldn’t have gotten mad, but I was tired.”

“I know I was wrong, but so were you.”   

3. Admit Specifically

The more detailed the apology, the better. Rather than saying, “I acted like a jerk yesterday,” you might say, “I’ve been taking out my frustrations on you. I have had a lot of stress caring for the kids, but this doesn’t give me an excuse to criticize you and nag you.”

When possible, identify how you violated God’s will. When you detail your wrong and focus on where you need to change, then the other person is more likely to respond positively to your apology.

4. Acknowledge the Hurt

Acknowledgment may rightly sound like, “I can only imagine that you felt fearful when I didn’t come home until late last night” or “I can only imagine that when you found a porn site in my search history, you felt deeply hurt and angry.” For an apology to be effective and meaningful, you must express sorrow. The sorrow must be genuine, of course: “For godly sorrow produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death” (2 Cor. 7:10). People see through a fake confession, and it simply makes things worse (Prov. 6:16-19).

5. Accept the Consequences

Winston Smith relates a story of forgiveness granted easily to someone who had sideswiped his wife’s car and had left a note on the windshield, admitting wrongdoing and offering to pay for repairs. “After a few phone calls and a trip to the body shop, the car was repaired, and a check from the offender came in the mail. All was forgiven.”[6]This person acknowledged their wrongdoing and accepted the consequences.

We read examples of restitution in the Bible, too. A primary example is the chief tax collector, Zacchaeus, who had climbed a sycamore tree. What made his confession believable was his eagerness to pay back the people he had cheated. When he met Jesus, he declared that he’d give half of his possessions to the poor, and “if I have cheated anybody out of anything, I will pay back four times the amount” (Luke 19:8). The greater your willingness to repair the damage you may have caused, the more believable your confession.

6. Alter Your Behavior

In counseling, Jack and Jill came to understand that their anger arose from a selfish heart. Jack wanted peace and quiet; Jill desired comfort. Jack learned to repent of the evil desires that produced his anger and to receive God’s forgiving grace.[7] Likewise, Jill became aware that she was bitter toward her husband and turned to Jesus in repentance and faith.[8]

As they each confessed their sin to God and thanked Him for His forgiveness, they began to alter their behavior. One change they made was to speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15). A second was to keep no record of wrongs (1 Cor. 13:5). A third was to listen well (James 1:19). Sande recommends a written plan that details the changes you plan to make because it “shows you take the matter seriously and are willing to spend substantial time planning how to change.”[9] He also suggests listing specific goals and objectives so that you have an objective way to measure progress toward the goal of making a heartfelt apology.

7. Ask for Forgiveness (and Allow Time)

Very often, if you’ve completed the previous six steps, when you ask, “Will you forgive me?” forgiveness will be granted readily. The question itself signals that you have completed the apology and that it is the other person’s turn to respond. While Scripture commands believers to forgive (Col. 3:13), sometimes granting forgiveness is difficult. It may take time, especially if the hurt is deep.

Sande makes this suggestion:

If you sense that the person to whom you confessed is simply not ready to forgive you, it may be helpful to say something like this: “I know I have deeply hurt you, and I can understand why you would have a hard time forgiving me. I hope that you will soon be able to forgive me, because I want very much to be reconciled. In the meantime, I will pray for you. I will do my best to repair the damage I caused as quickly as possible… If there is anything else I can do, please let me know.”[10]

If forgiveness is still slow in coming even after you’ve made this appeal, then you may need to go back over the previous six steps to make sure you’ve made a good apology. It is also possible that the other person doesn’t understand the biblical concept of forgiveness.[11] In this case, you may need to humbly provide the necessary information. Another option is to ask for help from a pastor or trusted Christian friend.

Of course, not every apology requires all of these steps. But if the hurt is deep or is a compilation of many lesser offenses, then using this template may prove wise. Do not let the steps themselves become a ritual, however, as had Sande. He confesses, “I have caught myself going through the Seven A’s simply to get a burden off my shoulders and minimize the consequences of my sin. In the process, I heaped greater burdens on the person I had already wronged.”[12]

Truly, making an apology is an art. As God opens your eyes to how you’ve hurt others, He’ll also give you the desire and the grace to seek forgiveness from Him and from the one you’ve offended. While many of us know what forgiveness is, it is always good to understand the parts of an effective apology. These seven steps will help you to avoid a wishy-washy apology and provide an expression of regret that leads to genuine forgiveness and reconciliation.

Questions for Reflection

  1. Which of these seven parts of an apology are either new to you or are difficult for you?
  2. Do you push the person you’ve offended to accept your apology right away? Why is this a wrong way of handling an apology?

 

[1] Robert D. Jones, Uprooting Anger: Biblical Help for a Common Problem (Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R Publishing Company, 2005), 13. Jones uses the fictitious story of Jack and Jill to help the reader understand biblical truth concerning anger. His book is among the very best on the topic.

[2] Ken Sande, The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict, 3rd ed., Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2004, 136-137. Among the many compounding problems are reckless words, grumbling and complaining, lying, slander, malicious thoughts, stubbornness, vengeance, bitterness, defensiveness, and withholding mercy and forgiveness.

[3] Ibid., 126-133.

[4] Ibid., 127.

[5] Ibid., 128.

[6] J. Alasdair Groves and Winston T. Smith, Untangling Emotions (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2019), 204.

[7] Jones, Uprooting Anger, 148.

[8] Ibid., 149.

[9] Sande, The Peacemaker, 132.

[10] Ibid., 133.

[11] This blog post does not begin to cover all of what forgiveness is. One excellent resource I recommend is Unpacking Forgiveness: Biblical Answers for Complex Questions and Deep Wounds (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2008). Author Chris Brauns helps his readers understand when and how to forgive.

[12] Ibid., 133.

How to Smash Strongholds in Your Mind

How to Smash Strongholds in Your Mind

How should we destroy strongholds?

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