you-will-always-be-there-300x200The morning began like any other. A shower, a bagel, a cup of tea. Death was near. I just didn’t know it. . .yet.

“Time to get up, Sweetie,” I told Laura. She rubbed the sleep from her eyes. “Do you want to wear your purple sweater to preschool? It’s very cold outside.”

“OK, Mommy. Could I have toast for breakfast?”

“Sure.” I padded to the kitchen and grabbed the Butternut.

Steve called from the bathroom. “We need more shaving cream.”

Then the phone rang. A phone call now? Strange.

No one calls this early.

I answered and heard a woman’s voice, all business. Her words made no sense. My mom? Dead? Looks like a heart attack? “Is this some kind of sick joke?” I blurted.

The woman repeated the horrible words I didn’t want to believe. I dropped the phone and fell to my knees. Tears rushed like a stream.

Fast forward two weeks.

Life seemed normal again after the funeral. I was back at work. Steve too. Laura asked fewer questions about Grandma Carol. But life was crazy on the inside. Crazy-bad. I knew I was grieving. I just never knew it could be this bad. I sped from denial to anger and flat-out asked God, “Why did you kill my best friend? Didn’t you know I needed her?”

You may think my questions were irreverent.

 Maybe they were.

I don’t know.

 I only knew that I hurt deeply and that my God is sovereign. He picked the hour of her death. He was responsible. I didn’t like him very much right then.

Fast forward a few months.

It was Mother’s Day and tough to be in church. The ushers handed out roses. I gave mine to Laura. Sadness covered me like a wet, wool coat. Beyond uncomfortable. I wanted out. My days were dark. My nights darker.

Fast forward a few more months.

I visited my mom’s gravesite and traced the words on the polished stoned with my finger, slowly: Carol Gale Kuper ~ November 7, 1931 – January 10, 1994 ~ Through Death Into Life. And I cried. Again. Yet something was different. I was different.

You see, on this day, as I touched the stone, I made the decision to hope, to live again. I no longer allowed sadness and anger to rule my thoughts and feelings. I put them in the safe hands of God, the same God whom I accused of killing my mom, my best friend. He didn’t kill her, he called her home to heaven. He’s not always likeable.

But he loves. . .

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,

 that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. (John 3:16)

Death is a terrible thing. It hurts.

Has death come near to you? Whether you’ve lost a mom, a baby or someone dear to you, please, please be kind to yourself. It’s OK to grieve. Open up to a caring person when you feel the need to talk. Listen to music that soothes your soul. Look at photos. Remember happy times. Remember sad times. Talk to God about deep things.

When meaningful dates approach — like Thanksgiving, which is why I posted this today; we always shared Thanksgiving at my mom’s — expect your emotions to fly any which way. You may be sad for no apparent reason, or you may be quick to yell. Don’t be  hard on yourself. 

God understands.

I’d like to share a couple of resources with you. If you know someone who’s greiving pass them on. Just hit the forward or email button to send your friend this post.

Two books:

 A Friend in the Storm by Cheryl Ricker. This gift book warms the heart with poetry, scripture and quotes.

God’s Healing for Life’s Losses, How to Find Hope When You’re Hurting by Bob Kellemen. Like me he’s a biblical counselor as well as a professor, pastor, and a licensed professional counselor. This book tenderly walks the reader through the grieving.

If you’d like personal help, I want to let you know I offer biblical counseling to women. Check out the counseling page at my website or send me an email. My email addy is Lucy@LucyAnnMoll.com.

You Are Beautiful!

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