Are you too nice? Do you sometimes say “yes” when you should say “no”? Then you may be a people pleaser.
A number of years ago, a person at my (then) church asked me join the hospitality team and greet people as they arrived on Sundays. I said “yes” even though this meant dragging my kids out of bed a half hour early.
Then a few months later, I was told I had to come even earlier to pray — and I’m all for prayer — but I said “no.” The hospitality team leader said he was disappointed. “In me?” I wondered. “What did I do wrong? I’m a nice person, aren’t I?”

Have you said “yes” when “no” would have been the wise response?

nice
Did you take on an extra project at work to be nice to your boss when your inbox was already overflowing? Did you say yes to running a fundraiser for the PTO or Music Boosters and later regretted it?
Your too-nice-ness may cost you.

3 Everyday Costs of Being Too Nice

We all do it — say “yes” when our honest response should be “no” — at a high cost. Here’s the short list:

Your physical health

Saying “yes” may shortchange self-care. Sleeplessness and overwork tax us. Neglecting self-care may also mean less physical exercise and more stress eating.

When you’re too nice and over-commit, in what ways has your health suffered? For me, I may skip my walks, and I love to walk because it not only gets my heart pumping but also sends me outside breathing fresh air.

Your emotions

When you say “yes” to keep up your nice-girl image, you probably feared what others think of you. Another term for this is people-pleasing. God has a completely different view of people-pleasing. Listen to what the apostles Peter and John told the Jewish leaders 2,000 years ago when they told them to shut up about this guy Jesus:
Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10, NIV

Your familiy and friendships

Do you ever feel compelled to help a friend and you begin texting and calling, then she starts sending messages throughout the day and evening? And even your family is wondering why you’re spending so much time on your cell phone?
More than a decade ago I made this mistake with a friend I’ll call Tina. Tina’s husband watched porn. He wanted her to watch it during their lovemaking. In addition to marital problems, Tina has a special needs child.
At first I enjoyed encouraging her to make wise choices then resented the time she stole from my family. The problem wasn’t her. It was me. I had made myself too available out of niceness. God prompted me to have a loving and truthful talk with Tina, letting her know I cared but that our texts ate up too much time. I suggested that we get together just once a week and no text messages except in an emergency and she agreed.

When you’re too nice, you may hurt people you care about most.

Before You Say Yes

Endless things and people demand our attention everyday. Untold numbers asked Jesus asked Jesus to do what they wanted, but He prioritized his “yes,” doing only what his Father wanted him to do.

I glorified you on earth, having accomplished the work that you gave me to do. John 17:4, ESV

Here are three practical solutions for too-nice-ness:
  1. Say “let me think about it.” This will give you time to think through whether a “yes” is being too nice or if you sense God wants you to help.
  2. Count the cost. When you say “yes” to one thing, you’re saying “no” to something else. This something else could be needed sleep or time with family or you-name-it.
  3. Check your heart motivation. I often remind counselees to dig deep and ask themselves what is motivating their decisions. From our motivations and beliefs flow our thoughts, emotions, and actions.

What would you add to the list? What has worked for you?

May I Pray for You?

Lord, when faced with choices and fearing others’ opinions, we’re tempted to say “yes” when you may want us to say “no.” Give us the wisdom to know when we’re acting out of love and when we’re acting from fear. We want to please you above all. Thank you for giving us your hope and your promises. Amen.

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” Philippians 1:6, ESV

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