ABUSE and the abuser: Can an abuser change? Keep reading to find out if an abuser stop his abuse. And if so, how? In part 4 of this four-part series on abuse, biblical counselor Jim Newheiser evaluates common statements made about abuse. His article appeared first here at the Biblical Counseling Coalition and is used with permission. Read part 1, part 2, and part 3.
ASSERTION: There is nothing you can do to change an abuser.
Are Some Men So Stubborn to Ever Change?
A valid concern: This statement is making the point that there are some men who are so stubbornly sinful that no matter how nice you are to them, they will continue their angry abuse.
It is made to refute the false counsel some women have been given that if they simply could learn to be kinder and quieter, then their violent husbands would stop hurting them. However, Scripture does describe some men as violent, hard-hearted, and refusing to receive correction (Prov. 16:29; 29:1,22).
A man of wrath stirs up strife,
and one given to anger causes much transgression. Proverbs 29:22
The Bible Gives Hope to All, Even to an Abuser
The harm that can be caused: On the other hand some so-called experts have asserted that there is nothing a victim can do by changing her behavior to change the abuser and his behavior.
While I agree that in many cases it is true that changed behavior will have no effect on a wicked, hardened man, the Bible explicitly gives hope that the Lord can use the godly behavior of a victim to soften the heart of a sinful spouse. First Peter 3:1-2 says a disobedient or unsaved husband might be won by his wife’s treating him better than he deserves. Proverbs 15:1 tells us that a gentle answer may turn away wrath.
I know that these verses have been misused to wrongly send women back into dangerous situations. But it is also true that God can use the Christ-like behavior of a wife to reach an angry husband. Again, a distinction needs to be made based upon the degree of sinful anger (and the resultant danger), rather than quickly saying that a situation is hopeless and that the woman ought to give up and move on.
If there is any doubt as to whether a woman is in danger, I would encourage church leaders to err on the side of safety by helping her get away (hopefully temporarily). Then work with the husband to gauge true repentance before trying to restore the marriage and bring the couple back together again.
All Sinners Can Be Forgiven
It would be better to say: The gospel gives hope that sinners can be forgiven and transformed Click & Tweet! . Also, those in whose lives God has worked will show signs of true repentance (including patience).
Saul, the murderous persecutor, was transformed into the great apostle of grace. First Corinthians 6:9-11 tells how sinners of every kind have been cleansed and changed by the power of the gospel.
We believe that abusers who had been characterized by the wicked deeds of the flesh can become servants who bear the fruit of the Spirit. Abusers are often masters of manipulation (i.e., worldly sorrow). Click & Tweet! A truly repentant man will hate his sin more than its consequences; he will be more concerned about the rights and safety of others than about his own rights, and he will be patient as those whom he has previously hurt learn to trust him (see 2 Cor. 7:9-11).
(Friend, are you in a controlling, destructive, or difficult marriage? Why not get the help you need? Learn more about confidential, compassionate, effective biblical counseling by Skype or in person.
Contact me today.–Lucy)
Sharing Hope with Your Heart,
