What is self injury? Why would anyone do it? How do you stop?
If you or someone you know has purposely hurt herself, she has self-injured. Most people avoid pain, people who intentionally hurt themselves may believe it is necessary and normal. “In fact, like a diabetic giving herself an injection, it can feel like a temporary cure,” says Ed Welch of CCEF, a biblical counseling ministry.
Do you know someone who cuts? or punches herself? or digs her nails in her skin? or bangs her head against a wall? If so, you know who hurts so bad in her heart that she self injures for temporary relief. Other types of self injury include biting nails until fingers bleed, scratching at skin, burning oneself with cigarettes or a lighter, even breaking bones.
Self injury seems weird but people who injure themselves — including Christian women who follow Jesus — think it makes sense. How can this be?
3 Pictures of Self Injury (Me Included)
Consider Helena. In her thirties, she bangs her head against a wall. Sometimes she slashes the inside of her arms with a razor. Enough to see blood, never so deep to need a doctor. She’d explain that head-banging and cutting helps her feel better.
Or consider Lizzy. She seems the average teen with typical peer pressure. But when you delve deeper, you discover that when her well-meaning parents rag on her about her messy room or when she tells herself she’s fat and ugly and a loser, she finds a paperclip or a scissors, and cuts in inconspicuous spots on her body. She’d say cutting relieves stress.
Then there’s me. Decades ago at a new high school where I felt like an outcast, and at home where my dad yelled at my mom and my mom withdrew in eerie silence, I sometimes dug my fingernails into arms. The pain felt wickedly good.
Angelina Jolie and Christina Ricci are two celebrities who have shared publicly their past problems with cutting. If you self injure, know that you are not alone.
What do we have in common?
Longing for Peace
We each tried to deal with our intense emotions of loneliness, anger, and fear to feel better. Typically self-injurers are not suicidal. People who are suicidal want life to be over; people who self-injure want to feel better.
For Helena and Lizzy, their repeated self-injury became an addictive cycle. Time and time again, they sought relief from self injury and increased the harmful behavior. By the grace of God, my nail digging diminished as I felt less lonely.
Stress is a trigger for self injury. However, if self injury becomes automatic, the person may self-injure regularly because it provides an immediate sense of regained control and emotional relief. This relief is temporary and the cycle repeats.
Some who self-injure may believe any number of lies. Here are a few examples:
- A woman who was sexually assaulted may believe her body is bad, so she hurts herself.
- Someone who doesn’t live up to her own standards of perfection may self-injure.
- An angry person may rage against herself and rather than taking it out on others.
Note: If you believe someone you know is in danger, call 911 immediately.
Real Peace for Self Injury
The “peace” of self injury never lasts and often gets worse. The real peace you crave never flows from your actions, including self injury.
Your trickling blood fails to do what only the blood of Jesus Christ has already done: pay the price for your sins and mine once and for all.
Here are 5 main ways to stop self injury forever:
1. Let other people in. Speak openly and honestly to a trustworthy person, perhaps a friend, family member or counselor. Self injury hides in privacy.
2. Recognize and believe that God wants to heal you. Feed yourself with Scripture such as Psalms 46:1-3, the Gospels, and Ephesians.
3. Learn how to think well. Replace lies like “I’m a loser” with God’s truth of “I am wonderfully made” (Psalm 139).
4. Identify the pattern where self injury is a temptation. Develop plans on what steps to take long before your emotions overwhelm you. You may have plans to call certain friends or to listen to music or read in a public place.
5. When you blow it, do not give into hopelessness. Remind yourself of the reasons you want to change and remember that Jesus loves you and has forgiven you, and begin afresh.
Next Step
If you or someone you know is struggling with self injury, consider making an appointment with a pastor or counselor. If you’d like to make a Skype appointment with me, please contact me. As a certified biblical counselor, I’ve counseled women, girls, and couples for over ten years and am a staff counselor at Biblical Counseling Center.
photo credit: Olivier GR via photopin cc
Sharing Hope with Your Heart,
Hi Lucy
Years ago, I used to cut my arm. I was in a major depression at the time and every time I couldn’t handle things, I would grab a steak knife and slash at my arm. The pain would course through me, and I had to get it out. It hurt, everywhere. It never hurt when I cut. The blood coming out seemed to represent my pain somehow.
But then, in 2005, after another failed suicide attempt, I finally found God, for real, and the depression left not long after. The cutting stopped. I could handle life once again.
Until now. About 2 months ago I cut again. This time with a meat slicer’s knife. It wasn’t very sharp and so I tried sharpening it with a steel. Turns out I have no idea how to sharpen a knife… I tried to cut deep. It wouldn’t go deep enough. I wanted to do more damage than I ever have but I guess it’s lucky I couldn’t.
I have had the urge to a few times since then but have called friends to talk to them instead. It doesn’t take the urge away but it’s a distraction. Plus I keep away from the kind of knives I would use.
I have lost my faith in the last 8 months. I know I need God back. That’s a whole different story. I don’t want any advice, because I know what’s going on and I’m handling it, but I just thought I would share my story.
I will say cutting is never an answer but it seems to be a relief. I never thought I would be the kind of person to self harm. Personally I believe it’s a spiritual thing, and only God can fight those demons away.
One day I’ll get Him back fighting for me again.
I am glad you have friends to call. God is always with you even though it may seem He isn’t. He is fighting for you now. Please let me know how I can help. I care about you.
Hi Me,
Today I counseled a woman who has cut for years. She has scars up and down her arm. Thankfully, since we began counseling two months ago, she has learned to replace hateful self-talk with God’s truth and improved her self-care (regular bedtime, sleeping eight hours a night, eating healthier foods, and exercise). She says she she is less depressed but still deals with anger.
We’ve talked about some of the influences in her self-injury, including a difficult childhood.
Now we’re addressing anger and forgiveness. She has a ways to go, but we rejoice that she has made major strides with the guidance of God and biblical encouragement.
Thanks for sharing your comment. I pray that you keep turning to your friends. It may feel like you’ve lost faith in God. Remember, God promises to never leave you. He is with you. The Holy Spirit indwells every believer. Please send me a message at lucy@lucyannmoll.com and we can keep talking.
God cares. You’re his precious daughter.
Blessings to you,
Lucy
Thanks 🙂 I think the only way to help me is to pray. I’m not suicidal or anything. Been there, tried that, failed….
I think it’s more of a punishing myself kind of thing. Punishing myself for believing people, for relying on them, for letting my guard down. Or maybe I’m lashing out at myself for the things people have done to me. Maybe I think I deserve it? I really don’t know. All I know is I’m not in a depression anymore. I have my bad days but unfortunately my bad days started to take me back to the only way I knew how to cope. But each time I think about it now, I remember the reaction when my son saw my arm last time (he’s 19), he pulled up my sleeve and just freaked. I can’t do that to him again. I can’t do that to any of them again. That’s the first thing I think and that’s why I call people. Better to drive them crazy with my ranting than for me to see the look on my kids’ faces when they know I’ve cut again.
And my son – the one that saw my arm – he used to cut when he was younger. I remember seeing it and telling him if he ever feels that way to come and see me and talk to me first. He hasn’t done it since. And I hope he never does.
I’m happy to know you are no longer depressed and you reach out to friends for help. Who do you talk to when you’re tempted to cut? I know you know that cutting often becomes a habit pattern and this pattern can be replaced with a better, life-giving habit pattern when life overwhelms and your thinking goes south. Contact me at Lucy@LucyAnnMoll.com and we can talk more if you’d like. Blessings, Lucy
When I’m tempted… actually lately I’ve been turning to food…
The first person I turned to was a friend I haven’t known long but she’s my boyfriend’s friend’s daughter. We spent a weekend together when I drove her to see her fiance and we talked about a lot of personal things, so it was good to turn to her.
I have spoken to my ex. He is good in the way that he can make me see things in a different perspective. I can’t talk to my boyfriend because he gets shitty with me. He doesn’t hear me, and he thinks I’m being silly when I’m upset.
I have turned to pot a couple of times but can’t go back to that. I’ve turned to alcohol too, but that’s as bad as turning to food. I stacked on a heap of weight 6 years ago from drinking to escape things, and am only just getting my weight back on track.
I always feel I don’t belong in this world. I have to turn to God. But I can’t give God what I used to, so I fear He won’t help me. I can’t do what He wants anymore. I did that before, I sacrificed so much and my marriage ended up getting worse, even though it was the one thing God knew I wanted the most. It may have been a test, I don’t know. If it was, I failed. But I don’t want to give anything up for Him anymore and because of that, He’s unlikely to help me and I don’t blame Him for that.
Thankyou for your email address. I’m not at home much but when I get a chance, I will contact you.