Do you think you may be overly dependent on a friend, or your friend is overly dependent on you?
Three clues:
1. You do something for someone else that she can do for herself and/or
2. You’re dependent on another person to the point of being controlled or manipulated by that person and/or
3. You lie (or sin in another way) to keep the peace or get the other’s approval.
A modern term for this sort of dependence, or “people addiction,” is co-dependent. Psychologists first used in the 1970s to describe family members of alcoholics who adapted to destructive behavior in unhealthy ways, such as calling the boss of a hungover alcoholic and saying she has the flu.
The Bible has a better term, a more accurate term: a misplaced dependency.
A person with a misplaced dependency cares more what another person says and thinks than she seeks God. You could call it idol worship of . . .a person.
You shall have no other gods before me. Exodus 20:3, NIV
Strong Is Weak?
Says radio show host, biblical counselor, and author June Hunt:
One person is seen as weak and the other as strong. The weak one appears totally dependent on the strong one.
But the one who appears strong actually is weak because of the excessive need to be needed by the weak one. In fact, the strong one needs for the weak one to stay weak, which in turn keeps the strong one feeling strong.
This craziness played out in my relationship with my own mom. Growing up I learned to agree with my mom. Disagreement invited her silent treatment. And I hated silent treatments . . . so I agreed with my mom. I wanted her approval badly enough to lie. Have you lied to keep peace?
If she said she did back flips on Chicago sidewalks, I said, “Wow. Cool.” If she said I was tone deaf, I chimed, “Yeah. I know.” She needed my affirmation and I needed hers. Was she the weak one? Or me?
In your friendships, do you have an excessive need to be needed?
Making Up Problems
A person with a misplaced dependency may manufacture a crisis then come to the rescue. She’s crazy-glue connected and overly responsible.
Sometimes after a legitimate crisis — such as a monstrous flood or a death in the family — a “helpful” person gives help long after it’s needed or wanted.
Then there are the little examples, such as:
- a dad who ties the shoes of his able-bodied 10 year old.
- a mom who writes her son’s high school English paper.
- a friend who insists on buying lunch every time you get together even though you can afford it.
The strong one wants to help but. . .harms.
What God Says
God understands. Co-dependency stories dot the bible, and we discover the high cost of misplaced dependencies.
Remember Samson and Delilah? Delilah manipulated weak-willed Samson. What about Rebekah and her son Jacob? Rebekah easily convinces Jacob to lie and deceive his father, Isaac, to obtain the birthright of the firstborn (which belongs to Esau).
God’s desire for you is this: living each day dependent on the Lord. As you submit to the Lord, you will have peace, you will have contentment, and you will experience his presence.
This is one reason why God says:
Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.” Jeremiah 17:7
What’s Next?
If you think you may have misplaced dependencies or know someone who is, you can:
- Learn more. A great book is Idols of the Heart by Elyse Fitzpatrick.
- Have a heart-to-heart with a wise, compassionate Christian friend of the same gender.
- Talk with a biblical counselor at your church or community, or with me. A seminary-trained, certified biblical counselor, I’ve counseled hope to thousands of women by Skype and in person. Click here for FAQs.
Sharing hope with your heart,
Great article Lucy on Codependent relationships! Addiction happen in all forms and are not always obvious or in the traditional ways — well, sometimes even in the traditional ways, people have their drug, food or sexual addictions and do not see them as a problem at all. Some of the issues sometimes are when the world tells us “this is a good thing for you” but doesn’t tell us when it truly becomes too much of a good thing and then only pinpoints you when you have gone far too out of line — such is the case with anything from sugary sweets become obesity (and then it’s a problem to people); sexual temptations in how we dress becomes a gateway drug to people of sorts towards pornography and eventually to some towards taking advantage of people, … and the list goes on and on. People need to learn control, but even more so, abstinence from area of life that are not life giving to them. People’s little white lies are eventually white elephants that won’t leave the room. And speaking of June Hunt on Codependency, her free download on codependency was very good as well – http://www.hopefortheheart.org/codependency/ — She has a great “releasing you” poem on helping us to “realize the need and power behind letting go of our own self and fears.” It’s good to check out both download on that page.
Again, good article!
Thanks for the encouragement, Josh.
Most folks do not realize they can actually become addicted to another person, but it’s true. Nowadays we hear more about “boundaries,” which are helpful. Yet in the muck of boundary talk, the root problem is often overlooked.