Abandonment hurts bad. The people who were supposed to love you pushed you away. They left, physically or emotionally or both. So now what?
Like bubble gum in hair, the hurt of abandonment sticks. Thank God it also awakens you to dream the highest dream: an authentic, life-giving relationship with Jesus, who lavishes you with love, teaches you that you matter, and comforts you.
Kc Hutter, author of her memoir A Broken Heart, knows abandonment. She lived it, this life of loss.
Let’s look at abandonment in this seventh post in the “Mending a Broken Heart” blog series. You can read the other posts (on divorce, a child’s death, addiction, and other tough stuff) here. You can learn more Kc’s book and buy it here.
Am I a Freak?
Women who’ve faced abandonment wonder if they are or ever will be normal.
The abandonment may be deep, like a dad who skips town and never returns, or is caused by another shattered dream: a friend moves away, a teenage son or daughter refuses your values, a trusted coworker gossips about you. You shrink. One-inch tall, that’s all.
Don’t feelings of rejection cut to your core? Haven’t you felt unwanted? Click & Tweet!
Listen to Kc’s pain.
People often asked, ‘Why do you live with your uncle and aunt? Your folks, brothers, and sister live close, why not live at home?’
‘I don’t know,’ I answered. Wondering, am I a freak?
I heard stories: Dad wanted his sister, Louise, to raise a child but she could not get pregnant. Mother already had four children and couldn’t take care of the ones she had. Not enough food for the whole family.
Did my parents say, ‘We have four children, which one should we give away?’ Or maybe they made their choice using the flower petal rhyme, ‘She loves us. She loves us not. We love her. We love her not.’ As I imagined the petals falling, I realized I’d always wonder.
I was driven away by my aunt and uncle. Sitting alone in the back seat, I looked out the window, tapped the glass, and said good-bye. Tears dripped onto my little green, tin suitcase.
Kc was 2; her little brother, a newborn. There wasn’t room for all of them, toddler Kc was told. Her parents said it was for the best, this leaving, because her aunt wanted a little girl. When Kc moved out of the only home she knew, fear moved in.
Her little heart hurt. Badly.
Looking for Love
Kc looked to the heavens. Please Lord, I need to hear “I love you” out loud. I need someone’s arms to reach around and hold me.
Her aunt and uncle? Cold. They sometimes said mean things about her mom, that she never picked up baby Kc or changed her diapers.
Fast forward to high school graduation and marriage.
Within the year she’d marry her high school sweetheart, become pregnant, give birth to one baby then another. She promised God she’d give her little ones lots of hugs and kisses and say “I love you’s.” And she did.
Haven’t you made a decision you’d undo if you could because you ached for love? Click & Tweet!
Kc’s husband, Delmer, traveled out of town week after week. The handsome bar owner poured her drink after drink and paid her the attention she craved. Delmer and Kc moved to another state then divorced, and soon she met Anthony. They became lovers and a year later, she and her sons (now teens) fled from her alcoholic, volatile live-in, fearing physical abuse.
She married again. Then she divorced. Always looking for love.
And then. . .she met her true Lover, Jesus, the one who’d never abandon her, or you. “God has said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you'” (Hebrews 13:5b). Later, Kc met her current husband, Jerry. They’ve been married nearly 30 years. Isn’t it reassuring you can heal?
How YOU Mend
As you read Kc’s story, didn’t you see a hint of your own? Abandonment is pervasive. Like mold in a shower, it blackens the grout until you submit to Christ’s will and he cleanses you from the inside out. This is key:
Timothy Lane and Paul Trip in How People Change say:
Nothing is subtle about the ongoing war that rages throughout the Christian life. Trials and temptations about, but we respond to them from a new vantage point.
We can change our perspective of abandonment. Here are just three ideas.
1. Recognize that God blesses you. He is for you. You belong to him, and he wants you to experience the abundant life.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10.
2. Determine to want what God wants: a loving relationship with Jesus. Let go of lesser pleasures that entice. Seek the greatest pleasure and spend your life enjoying God.
So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. Colossians 2:6-7
3. Embrace the truth that God uses the pain of trials, including abandonment, to increase your desire for the highest dream.
In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 1 Peter 1:6-7.
Isn’t it wonderful to know that you belong to God? That you can spend the rest of your life enjoying him? That your pain has a goal: to take on the character of God!
An Invitation
Friends, we gave one hope: Christ. In him we have everything we need to live a fruitful and godly life now. Wouldn’t it be awesome to have this? If you’re in a trial and would like biblical counsel to grow and change, I invite you to consider biblical counseling.
I’m a biblical counselor, certified by the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors and by the Association of Biblical Counselors. I also am a graduated of Western Seminary, Portland, OR in Pastoral Care to Women, and am working toward a doctorate in Biblical Counseling.
I meet with counselees (women, teen girls, and couples) in person and by Skype.
May our great God bless you, as I know he will. Ephesians 1:3
Sharing Hope for Your Heart,
Page 9 of my memoir; A Broken Heart…..”I remember wondering after Dad Died: When Mom recovers from the car accident will she bring me home? I’m tall, eight-years old and have pretty blue eyes. Mom never drove her Chevy Impala the twenty miles to get met. Instead, she remarried and gave birth to three more children. WHO WOULD LOVE ME NOW?”
Tough memories, Kc. You must have been terribly confused. I am so glad you found redemption and healing. <3
Isn’t Jesus amazing…HE never leaves us-even when we feel alone, we are never truly alone. Comforting words.
Thank you for sharing Kc! So thankful that Jesus never leaves us or forsakes us!!! :o)
“She promised God she’d give her little ones lots of hugs and kisses and say “I love you’s.” And she did.” Can one overdue hugs & kisses? Can we ever over compensate? Is holding, cuddling, hugging done out of guilt or resentment or is it really out of recognizing we missed something vital and not wanting another human being to ever go without that?
When we became parents, my husband made sure to hug our kids and to say “I love you” to them. He rarely got hugs and I love you’s from his dad. It hurt him. He wanted to make sure he didn’t repeat his own dad’s behavior. Pretty cool, huh?