Welcome to 31 Days of Friendship {Day 2}: The differences between men’s and women’s friendships begin in the brain. . .and guys, well, use half a brain.
Guys have half a brain. . .in regular use. You suspected such, didn’t you?
Imagine a walnut. When opened you see a right side and a left side. While guys have both sides of a brain — indeed, your son, your teen, your man packs gray matter — they use the left half primarily. The right half? Pretty much dormant. Lights out.
OK, not exactly. In fact some guys — typically left-handed and/or artistic — use both sides of their brains.
Just. Like. Us. Women. . .
. . .who are intuitive, emotionally aware, perceptive, conversational, naturally nurturing, community-valuing, latte-sipping right-brained friends.
In her classic book The Friendships of Women, Dee Brestin quotes a bright 12-year-old girl on the friendship differences of men and women; “If I want to have a conversation that’s not totally one-sided, I talk to girls — because girls know how to listen and respond. That’s an important quality and boys don’t have it.”
Ouch? What do you think? Am I being unfair? Or just telling it like it is?
Research has suggested that each hemisphere of the brain has its own distinctive strengths. Left-brained men excel in problem-solving and goal-setting, for instance. However, their walnuts got a chemical androgen wash before birth, damaging the communicating link between the halves. No such wash for us women.
For better or for worse, we think through both hemispheres, and this helps explain why we value friendships deep like the Pacific.
We talk.
We listen.
We hug.
We feel our friends’ pain and weep together.
“Someone’s thoughts may be as deep as the ocean, but if you are smart, you will discover them.” Proverbs 20:5 (CEV)
Psst. . .did you catch Day One of 31 Days of Friendship? Read it and meet the posse of 6. You can read day one here. 🙂
A Friendly Q: Many women with wonderful husbands or male friends say they need women friendships. What about you? What do you gain most from friendships with women? Please leave a comment if you have a moment. Thanks.
You Are Blessed!
There is a lot that goes into why I would choose a deeper relationship with a woman than with a man. One is definitely the “half brain” thing. I don’t know how many times I’ve tried to talk about something meaningful to me, only to have my husband fail to understand completely, leading me to call my mother to talk about it with. Only to have her “get it” in 5 seconds or less. Same with talking with my women friends. It is like speaking English with someone for whom English is their second language vs speaking English with someone that grew up “next door”! But, there is another factor I consider. For example, I am friends with a man at church that speak with a great deal. I am also close friends with his wife. There has never been anything even close to inappropriate from him to me or me to him, nor would there be. But, I would avoid spending much time alone with him, for the sake of appearances. Not because I feel tempted. I don’t believe he ever feels tempted. But, looks do matter.
So, even though I cherish his friendship, there is a line that I don’t believe should be crossed. In this particular case, I sort of think of that couple as one friend. After all, when a man and woman marry, they are one, right?
i might have strayed a bit! But, anyway, I am closer to my women friends because they “get me” and I “get them”, better than with men, and, it is more proper to not have that same intimacy with men.
Karen, friendships with men for married women are tricky. Some men really do “get” us women, but I have seen such friendships occasionally turn inappropriate.
Sometimes a friendship turns into an emotional affair.
And sometimes an emotional affair crosses physical boundaries.
I agree with Lucy emotional affairs can very quickly become physical before both parties even realize what they are doing it takes two seconds to committ and affair and a lifetime to build back the trust you lost with your partner better safe than sorry!
Hm I havent thought what do I gain from friendship with women , I gain conversation , opinions , a safe place to land when things arent going right where I can vent and not be judged. I gain someone to share milestones with and have them just as excited as I am when the milestone is hit! I gain perspective. I gain an ear and the willingness of my friend only loving ly telling me when Im headed down a wrong path and gently steer me towards where Im supposed to be going! I gain laughter ! Lots is gained by having a friendship with women , I hope I give as much as I gain in my friendships!
Wonderful insights, Amanda.
One of my best friends is a man. Although we consider him part of our family and my husband even cried when the guy informed us that he had to move out of state, Duncle and I have a very deep friendship.
A number of years ago, Duncle lived up the street from us with his new-found brother, wife and children. We got to know the family and he was part of the package deal. A long story short–when he and his brother were very young they were at a picnic with their parents. Intoxicated Dad went to the store to buy more liquor and was ironically hit by a drunk driver and killed. Mom already suffering from some mental health issues ended up in a facility for most of the rest of her life. Both boys were separated and went to live with different families members. The brothers were reconnected for the first time just a few years before becoming our neighbors.
One of his little nephews nicknamed him Duncle and it has stuck with him ever since :). His brother came down to my house before moving far away to ask me personally to please take care of his brother. My close friend has only missed spending Thanksgiving and Christmas for a couple of years when he lived out of state.
I still remember wanting to take away his broken heart when Duncle shared with me that his mother had died. Sobbing uncontrollably, he tried to blame himself that he should have sent her more flowers and that maybe she would have then remembered him.
Both of us know our friendship is certainly part of God’s plan– life stories that have uncanny similarities of loss and sorrow.
Back in high school and college when the guys I liked would frustratingly always say, “I just like you as a friend,” and I had many. I believe those friendships taught me the “oh, dude, half brain thing 🙂 with guys and have made me a better friend in the long run.
What an amazing friendship with Duncle! Great nickname. For male-female friendships to work, I think it needs to be more like brother-sister, with the sexuality aspect minimized. Otherwise, the woman or her husband may think the guy-friend is hitting on her. It’s great that your hubby is as devoted to Duncle as you are. Beautiful.
Thank you Lucy; I agree with you. I can’t imagine the friendship being as strong if we had met back when my husband I were first married. A lot of the foundation of our marriage has been built on the long-lasting trust/commitment that has continued to grow with age and maturity. What has worked for Duncle and I is we both have a clear understanding and respect for the word “boundaries.”